Sunny Days

Alright, so I know my posts have been a major downer as of late. It’s no wonder why my comments are just about nonexistent. I promise to do my best to make these updates more upbeat starting with today.

It’s been a really long time since I had an overall good day and yesterday was one of them. I was finally able to spend some MUCH NEEDED quality time with my friend Kim. She’s like a sister to me. I’ve known her for over 10 years and our friendship goes through these weird cycles where we won’t talk for a very long time and then somehow we reconnect and it’s like we spent no time apart. We just pick up right where we left off. Last night I was finally able to catch her up on what my life has been like over the last few years. There is a support system there in our friendship that is just so natural and it was the first time in a long time that I just felt calm and at rest in the midst of this chaos. Not to mention we had a fantastic dinner. Christin I’m sorry I don’t have any pictures for you! We came back to my apartment in Westfield so she could scope out my place and then we went to dinner at one of the local restaurants – The Brick Oven. I’ve eaten there before and it’s pretty good. It’s your typical Italian restaurant (of which there are about 5 in Westfield and downtown Westfield is only about 4 blocks). But they are all good so I’m not complaining. There’s actually a really good variety of restaurants in Westfield that I have yet to try but that’s a topic for another day. Anyway, best part was that we were able to sit outside because it was GORGEOUS out! Kim and I decide to order a bunch of appetizers instead of entrees for dinner. On the list – Bruschetta, Baked Little Neck Clams Oreganata (Kim loves them – I hate seafood), and Asparagus wrapped in Mozzarella, Prosciutto, and Roasted Peppers. Can I just tell you that the Asparagus dish was probably one of the most amazing foods I have ever eaten. It was a party in my mouth!!! I couldn’t get enough of it! We both liked it so much that Kim is probably having it put on the menu at her family’s restaurant that they own. I wish I had a picture of this perfection. After dinner we made our way to my local hangout 16 Prospect. We had some non-alcoholic beverages and continued to talk and catch up. It was a nice, relaxing evening. Right around 10:30 we both pretty much crashed from exhaustion. It takes me all week to catch up from the lack of sleep I get on the weekends.

When I was all ready and tucked into bed I called Sarah and we had one of the best heart to hearts we’ve had in months. I was not anticipating the conversation but I’m glad it happened. Needless to say my bedtime got pushed back about an hour but it was well worth it. I also had a few other things happen yesterday that I’m looking forward to so it was a positive day. I needed it.

The next few days are pretty low key with the exception of Friday. Today I’m doing dinner and laundry at my moms. Tommy is coming to get his stuff at the apartment so I’m going to steer clear of Westfield for a little while. Not that him and I are on bad terms at all – it’s just too emotional. Tomorrow after work I’m going to see about a second job at the Meadowlands. My parents know a few people and I would love to get in there and work some concerts, shows, and games and make some extra $$$. Afterwards I have a late counseling session and then Liz is coming over to measure out the spare room I have. She’s going to be living with me for 2 months starting in September until her new apartment is ready in November. I’m actually looking forward to it. Liz is someone that balances me in a way that nobody else really does. It’ll be nice to have her around considering all I’m going through right now. Friday is the big day though. I get out of work at 1, hopefully I’ll hang with Estrella for a bit, and then it’s off to the city for Caroline’s bachelorette party!! Woohooo…. Me, Trish, Francie, Dawn, and Vanda are bringing Caroline to Lucky Cheng’s for some serious good times. Then we’re hoping to close out the night at an 80’s club. I can’t wait. When us girls are together it can get pretty wild and crazy. Saturday will be an R&R day after Friday and then Sunday – Sunday I can’t wait. I’m meeting Kim’s son Connor. I met him awhile back when he was about 1 ½ so he doesn’t remember me at all because that was the last time I saw him. I’m so excited. He’s 4 now and super adorable. That’s about how the rest of this week and weekend are rounding out.

Hope you enjoyed a happier update. It’s beautiful outside and will be all week. I wish I wasn’t stuck in this office!!!

Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

************************************************************

This song has become my anthem

Tired

Emotionally, physically, spiritually - exhausted

Lately no matter how much sleep I get it's never enough. I feel like I could sleep for days. Signs of depression... i know.

Love & Love Lost

As my friends rejoice in engagements, weddings, anniversaries, and new babies I’m left feeling more alone and isolated than ever. I’m so ecstatic for each and every one of those moments and I celebrate with them but the reality of where I’m at is never more piercing than at those times. It’s hard to hear sounds of happiness when your own world is crashing down around you. The breakdown of love and marriage is extremely painful, scary, and lonely. We fought to make it work for so long but at the end of the day we raised the white flag and tossed in the towel. Critics can say what the want but we know how hard it was, we know what we went through, and we know we didn’t take the easy way out. I have a better appreciation for those who are going through and have gone through divorces. Unless you walk a mile in their shoes you have no idea what it’s like.

I’m 27 and entering a world I know nothing about. 8 years of my life, 8 years of my heart, 8 years of my dreams are now gone. At 19 you think you can conquer the world but at 27 you know with a quick flash the world can conquer you. Everything is new – living on my own, handling my own finances, even being single. I haven’t been single since I’ve been 14 years old. No, I’m not one of those people that always has to be with somebody but I’ve also never been that person to just play the field. In all of it there is an overwhelming sense of FEAR. Yet (when I stop to embrace these moments) there is a whole world ahead of me that I can make my own. It’s exciting and nauseating all at the same time.

It’s all still very raw. There is still so much to resolve. But at least there’s movement. I’m not sure what is worse – sitting in stagnation where nothing is being accomplished or having your life completely upended just so you can move forward with it. I’m actually thinking stagnation is worse since I’ve experienced them both.

I felt compelled to blog about this today. I haven’t shared the exact nature of my marital problems on here before but I thought it was time to give you a glimpse into my world as it exists right now since there’s no going back. I haven’t lost my faith in God, men, or love. Am I questioning what it all means – absolutely. But do I believe in all three – absolutely.

Update

There's an update on the blog link below. Isaac Ross Morgan was born on Saturday!!! He's doing well (and Mom is doing well too). Congratulations Allison & Chad!! I love you guys!!!

Life Happens

My friend is having her baby today - premature. They've been through hell and back to see this wonderful boy brought into this world. It's not happening as planned but God's plans are not our own. Please, please pray for them. Read her blog - it's tremendously raw and real. There are so many reasons for my tears right now...

http://www.mylostandfoundoflife.blogspot.com/