Love & Love Lost

As my friends rejoice in engagements, weddings, anniversaries, and new babies I’m left feeling more alone and isolated than ever. I’m so ecstatic for each and every one of those moments and I celebrate with them but the reality of where I’m at is never more piercing than at those times. It’s hard to hear sounds of happiness when your own world is crashing down around you. The breakdown of love and marriage is extremely painful, scary, and lonely. We fought to make it work for so long but at the end of the day we raised the white flag and tossed in the towel. Critics can say what the want but we know how hard it was, we know what we went through, and we know we didn’t take the easy way out. I have a better appreciation for those who are going through and have gone through divorces. Unless you walk a mile in their shoes you have no idea what it’s like.

I’m 27 and entering a world I know nothing about. 8 years of my life, 8 years of my heart, 8 years of my dreams are now gone. At 19 you think you can conquer the world but at 27 you know with a quick flash the world can conquer you. Everything is new – living on my own, handling my own finances, even being single. I haven’t been single since I’ve been 14 years old. No, I’m not one of those people that always has to be with somebody but I’ve also never been that person to just play the field. In all of it there is an overwhelming sense of FEAR. Yet (when I stop to embrace these moments) there is a whole world ahead of me that I can make my own. It’s exciting and nauseating all at the same time.

It’s all still very raw. There is still so much to resolve. But at least there’s movement. I’m not sure what is worse – sitting in stagnation where nothing is being accomplished or having your life completely upended just so you can move forward with it. I’m actually thinking stagnation is worse since I’ve experienced them both.

I felt compelled to blog about this today. I haven’t shared the exact nature of my marital problems on here before but I thought it was time to give you a glimpse into my world as it exists right now since there’s no going back. I haven’t lost my faith in God, men, or love. Am I questioning what it all means – absolutely. But do I believe in all three – absolutely.