Amazon.com

I love ordering online because it's like Christmas morning each time a package arrives. Amazon, ebay, and all the little stores in between have made my shopping this season quite entertaining and enjoyable. Especially since the majority of it has been gag gifts. Absolutely amazing what you can find online.

Lately, I feel like every time I take 2 steps forward I take 3 steps back (whoa, a little old school Paula Abdul on the brain right now - "Opposites Attract" anyone?!). Seriously though. This past weekend was difficult. Actually, the entirety of last week was difficult. I spent a majority of Wednesday and Thursday wallowing in whatever it was I was feeling. I knew Friday night was going to be a big night. Friends from different parts of my life all converging in one place. I used to be good at working a room - I rocked at it and I lived for it. Now, I want to do anything but. The "social butterfly" no longer wants to be social. So, I was dreading it. But, I knew Friday night was not about me so I turned it on as best I could. And I did it - I did it well because I can - and I started having fun. I looked around and took in the actual meaning of what was occuring. All of those people, there, because they love Tommy and they love us. And when Tommy was playing I found a piece of my heart again. Part of the reason why I fell in love with him was because of his passion for music and his amazing guitar skills. Yes, he's got serious skills - if you haven't seen him you're missing out. But then the show was over and things changed. The excitment and fun I was having turned into something sour. The reality of my life as it is right now came crashing full-force into me. I lost some major footing that night and Saturday I felt it. I felt it to the core. I skipped out on a Christmas party Saturday evening because if I was barely in shape to be social Friday night there was no way I could turn it on again Saturday. Especially with the way I was feeling. But, at one point I decided to get up off my couch Saturday night and get some coffee and do some food shopping. Well, in the process of trying to be productive I lost my wallet in the streets of Westfield. Something like a wallet is replaceable along with everything in it. While it's a pain in the rear, in the grand scheme of things it's laughable. But, to me, it was the culmination of a very long week and a very long 24 hours. That wallet represented my favorite saying, "when it rains, it pours". And when it pours, it's like a monsoon unleashing on my life. Somehow I managed to sleep on Saturday. Probably because I had a bed all to myself. Sunday I woke up to snow. Not enough to make it enjoyable - just enough to make it annoying. But, I put my gear on and traveled to counseling anyway. I needed it... we needed it. I let it all out - everything that was bottled up inside me since Friday night. It felt good. I felt heard. I thought it was going to be an awful session but it turns out it was the best one yet. A glimpse of hope. A glimpse of normalcy. That night Sarah and I toasted the week goodbye with some wine. I don't think wine tasted any better than that night. By Tuesday my wallet was found but I wasn't. Something I said Sunday night ate at me. Then, last night I received an email from a former friend. It was painful. True or not, I felt my insecurities hit me like a truck head on. And so, I let them play out in some not so encouraging words to a friend. The last 3 days I've become the very thing I worked a year and half on to not be. A setback. I know nothing permanent and I started the recovery process with a heartfelt apology last night. But overall - I feel like I can't catch a break. I feel beat up. I feel broken. But in my brokenness I'm struggling to reach for God. I'm struggling to see Him, to hear him, to feel him. Then again - that's my own doing.

I'm 26 - almost 27. Is life really supposed to be this difficult at this age?! What the hell is the point?? I see my life, I see my friends lives - especially those who are dealing with far more than a mind can comprehend - and I say again... what's the point?! And yes, I know God is good. I know that I need to see life with an eternal perspective. I know Jesus is the way - I know he's the LIGHT in the darkness that i'm surrounded by right now. But right now - I can't see it. I'm trying, i'm trying desperately. It's just so very hard.

On an easier note - I watched the Victoria Secret Fashion Show last night. I love Heidi Klum. She's absolutely gorgeous! The show was fun. Most of the outfits were ridiculous but that's the point usually. I still don't get the attraction to Seal though. He's busted!