I'm going to weigh in on my post from yesterday. Let me say this - I really hate the whole excuse, "well, no church is perfect". This isn't to point out anyone in general because I know a lot of people who say that and I absolutely believe it. Church is made up of imperfect people so of course it has it's flaws. But, let's go beyond that statement. It's about bringing back the "relevance" of Jesus and his message to the church. Superman is not Jesus. William Wallace is not Jesus. People are meeting fictional characters instead of Christ. Sure, you can compare the characteristics but movies don't do scripture any justice. The reality is is that people are going to be offended by the message of Jesus. Grace should not trump truth just so we don't "offend" or so people will fill the seats. Ugh - I could go on and i'm getting frustrated so i'm done with this for now.

On another note - I'm working from home today. Tommy has the flu and the weather is awful. It rained ice from 10 until about 11 and now it's snowing. It's not a light snow either - it's coming down fast and hard. I've never experienced Westfield in the snow so I have no idea how the parking lots get plowed. I'm hoping to have to do very minimal shoveling.

Let's talk about Project Runway for a second. Jack is gone & Chris is back. What?!? How crazy was that development. I was very excited because I like Chris. And, I almost got my wish. Elisa was in the bottom two - maybe next week she'll finally get the boot. What in the world was Jeffrey thinking with that nun outfit?! Oh, and I'm going to admit this - I watched the new reality show Crowned last night with the mom & daughter beauty pageant competition. The best part about the entire show was the last 3 minutes. They told one team to pick up the scissors - which we all thought including the team meant they were gone. But then, they were told to take the scissors and cut this other teams sash. Such a great twist! The show was AMAZINGLY BAD but I will be watching next week. Someone help my tv addiction.

I could never work from home full-time. There's zip on tv during the day. Honestly, nothing. Wish I had some Christmas presents to wrap but I haven't started my shopping yet. I'm a last minute kind of person with that.

Enjoy the snow if you have it!!!!!!!!!!

Fluff

No, i'm not talking about marshmallow fluff although it's definitely one of my favorite sweets. I'm talking about religious fluff. I write this post because I was stirred by another friends blog. I was asked a question the other night, "why blog? what is the point of it?" and yesterday I got my answer. It's because not only is it nice to hear about what's going on in my friends lives but it's also because every so often I'm challenged by them, by their thoughts and convictions, by their words and actions.

Confession: I haven't been to church in almost a year. Sure, i've popcorned here and there (very, very few times) but as far as belonging to a church, to a community - it's been a long time. So much has gone on this past year that has left me jaded. The spectrum is wide and the hurt is deep. Part of that pain comes from the loss of my church, my home. I spent over 5 years investing my time and my heart there. For awhile I felt loved, my faith was challenged and it grew, and it stood strong in it's vision - the vision of Christ & His church.

As my faith grew stronger I noticed the church growing weaker. Oh sure, the congregation grew, but the foundation was crumbling. The vision changed a handful of times (and continues to change) and then last year we went from meeting in a small church to a large ballroom at a hotel. That's where the real disconnect happened. Part of it is because we both worked for them - being behind the scenes and knowing too much. But, beyond that, the church sold out for the sake of being "Relevant". The messages became watered down, truth didn't balance the grace that was presented, and each Sunday felt like I was watching a concert & a movie instead of being in church. The who's who of authors, actors, and rock stars instead of the written words of people like Paul & John and the life, death, and resurrection of Jesus Christ.

I'm sick of churches being so "Relevant" they miss the mark entirely. Are they really leading the flock properly? I don't think so. I feel cheated. Not that it's the church's entire responsibility for someones faith but they play a major part. I got smacked around this year and I felt unprepared. My ground wasn't solid because my foundation has been built on fluff.

I feel like this person does, "I don't want to be entertained at church. I want to be challenged. Convicted. Reminded why I am a great sinner and why Christ is a great savior."

So I wonder - where are those churches?

Tag - you're it!

Real quick post...

The husband is sick. I haven't seen him this bad in over 2 years. (ok, good point Jay - didn't mean it to sound like that so I took it out)

So much i've been thinking about. I'm trying to figure out how to formulate it in my head because it's been on overdrive all day. That'll be a post tomorrow.

Tonight, a going away dinner for a friend of mine. I'm really sad about it. He's moving to Florida.

Thursday - getting my hair done. Color & highlights. Any suggestions??

My New Morning Routine

Maybe it's because I haven't taken the train the last month and a half. All I know is that my mornings are running later and later each day. I used to be good. I used to get up right at 7am (when I took the trian it was a little earlier). I'd get ready, leave my apartment around 7:45, and be at work before 8:30. That is no longer the case. Now my alarm gets set for 7:15. I shut it off and go back to sleep for another 15 minutes. When I finally drag myself out of bed I go into our little office/spare bedroom and flop on that bed for another 5 or 10 minutes. At the point where I know I can't lay there any longer I wander over to my computer and check email, the news, weather, and MySpace. Now i'm kicking myself because it's 7:50 and i'm not even remotely ready for work. I hurry around, dig for clothes (and get even more annoyed because I didn't leave time for ironing and there's no way I can leave the house without ironing my clothes that have been sitting in the clean pile on the floor), get my stuff together, search for my keys which are always missing, and by the time I leave the house it's 8:15/8:20. And of course it's perfect traffic time. Monday's are especially worse. It doesn't matter if I'm out all weekend till 4am or if I do nothing and fall asleep at 10/11pm. Honestly, it's the worst morning ever. It feels like i've been run over by a truck every Monday. It has to be psychological. Mind over matter right.

I had such a good weekend. Friday night the weather was pretty lousy so I rented "Waitress" and "The Nanny Diaries". I saved "The Nanny Diaries" for Sunday and watched "Waitress". It was interesting. Glad I didn't see it in the theater, a worthy rental, but not a movie I'd watch over and over. It actually reminded me of the movie "Simply Irresistable". Anyone see that - with Sarah Michelle Gellar and Sean Patrick Flanery. SMG is a chef who's emotions get transferred to her food and when guests eat her creations they feel her emotions. In the meantime she falls in love with SPF and it's this magical love story/culinary story. "Waitress" is definitely not magical but it's got that sort of vibe to it. I'm probably just rambling to some at this point because they have no idea what i'm talking about. Moving on....

Saturday I spent the day doing laundry at my mom's and helping them decorate the outside of their house for Christmas. Actually it went more like this - my mom took the ladder from the backyard and my brothers go, "Oh, can we climb it and hang the ornaments" to which my mother replied, "No, your sisters going to do it." I'm sorry - what was that?! Did I really just get volunteered to risk my life to hang ornaments on a tree outside?! Yes, I did. I have proof















I think I did a good job considering I was ready to start bequeathing my possessions to friends and family. I then met up with Chrissy and baked some cookies at her apartment. So yummy! I couldn't wait to get home though and take a shower. Too many needles from the tree in my hair. That night Sarah and I went to The Fountains of Wayne. It's this ghetto fabulous Christmas place in NJ. It's a store with a walk through display of characters and holiday scenes. It's so bad it's good. Afterwards we hit up an old Montclair hang out of mine - Eagans. Not only did we have a great time people watching but some drunk irishman bought us drinks. Tons of fun.

Yesterday was THE BEST day of the weekend. Why - because we did absolutely nothing. PJ's all day. The movie list consisted of "You've Got Mail", "Don't Tell Mom the Babysitters Dead", "The Nanny Diaries", and then a bunch of shows that I had on my dvr. We ventured out once to the Stop & Shop where some guy made a comment about our pajama's. See, it's not proper to go out in Westfield without looking like you walked off a high-end fashion runway. But, I don't really care. I'm not going to change just because of some snooty Westfielders. The reason for the S&S run was so I could get sprinkles to put on the sugar cookies I was planning on making. Cookies, movies, pj's - awesome day of doing nothing. I rocked those sugar cookies by the way. They were so yummy!

I really have so much work to do today. My boss is out this week and next week will probably fly by since it's right before Christmas. I love my job though. My bosses decided to close the office from Dec. 22nd to Jan. 1st. So that means I have almost 10 days off and still get paid for it and not even have to take vacation time. Ridiculous!

Aight... peace out cub scouts

Laundry

I hate doing laundry. It's my LEAST favorite chore. I'd much rather scrub the bathroom - i'm not kidding. So, what usually happens is I wait until the very last possible second. You know, when you're down to your last pair of clean underwear. Although, i'm so lazy every so often i'll just buy new underwear. But, i've let the laundry pile up - my closet is truly "FUBAR" with all of the dirty clothes in it. Honestly, I almost reached China digging through the pile to find some shoes this morning. I should really stay on top of it so I don't have a million loads to do at once but who wants to drag clothes up and down stairs and to and from a laundry mat. Certainly not me. Did I mention the fact that i'm lazy - yes, I did.

Round 2 of Nikki's cold season has arrived. I'm always sick this time of year. Once it starts I keep relapsing up until mid-April or May. I had a cold not but a couple of weeks ago and it's back. Last night it felt like Satan was roasting some evil, spikey people in my throat. Oh yea, that means it hurt like H-E-Double Hockey Sticks. I want to go home and curl up on my couch and watch movies all night.

Did you know there's a whole wikipedia definition for gobbledygook. I swear - go here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gobbledygook

This weekend consists of two major events - doing nothing and a possible Fountains of Wayne trip. No, no - not the band. If you are not from Jersey you just don't understand. It's a Christmas tradition around here. They turn the summer patio store into a Christmas wonderland with tons of lights and displays. Corny as it is I just can't go a holiday season without going there.

Now, onto my chicken soup....

Edible Gifts

This basket of chocolatey goodness arrived in our office yesterday













Let me tell you the contents of this heavenly gift - everything is chocolate covered:

Pretzels
Oreos
Peanut Butter Cookies
Graham Crackers
Marshmellows
Rice Crispy Treats
Vanilla Cream Cookies
and Nut Wafers

My mouth and stomach party for a week eating it all. Actually, a week may be an exaggeration. I don't think the basket ever lasts that long.

I love Wednesday night TV. America's Next Top Model and Project Runway both on the same night. I have no idea what i'm going to do after next weeks ANTM finale. Good thing PR just started. Speaking of - can someone please explain to me how we can get Elisa off the show?! The crazy woman is still on! Oh and milestone - Ricky didn't cry this week. I was waiting for it and it never happened. Although he should have shed a tear over his awful outfit or at least bitch slapped Victorya. That would have been popcorn worthy entertainment.

It's really dangerous having a Starbucks directly across the street from your apartment. I used to be so good - an occassional coffee, a treat few and far between. Now, almost every day it's a tall peppermint mocha and a pumpkin loaf. Ok, i don't do the pumpkin loaf every day but my caloric intake has definitely increased because of it. I can't help it - it's RIGHT THERE. I walk downstairs, go into the 'Bucks, and walk right back up stairs. At least i'm walking off a few calories in the process right?!

What else to talk about - oh yea - the BITTER, FREEZING, NEW YORK WEATHER. It has arrived. I swear there's nothing like it. You can't use the term "cold" for it because the wind chill will give you frostbite.

And another thing about this weather. I remembered why I like showering at night during the winter. My apartment is usually pretty warm but it's never as warm as what it feels like under my covers. So, you get up and you are immediately chilled by the temperature difference. So you think, crap, I should have showered last night. At this point - you need to shower. It's been too long and you KNOW you can't go another day. The thought of undressing makes you want to spork your eyes out but you do it. You turn the shower on, you get in, and for a few brief minutes you enjoy the nice HOT shower. But then, you remember you have to go to work so you can't stay in the shower forever. The thought of getting out of the shower is even worse than getting out from under the covers. Why - because the minute you do the water becomes instant ice on your skin. You get out and you might as well kill yourself at this point. It might feel better. By the time your body temperature is back to normal you have to make your way into the BITTER, FREEZING, NEW YORK WEATHER. All of this because you were just to lazy to shower at night. Allison - this needs to be on the list!

Ahhhh - back to work

Amazon.com

I love ordering online because it's like Christmas morning each time a package arrives. Amazon, ebay, and all the little stores in between have made my shopping this season quite entertaining and enjoyable. Especially since the majority of it has been gag gifts. Absolutely amazing what you can find online.

Lately, I feel like every time I take 2 steps forward I take 3 steps back (whoa, a little old school Paula Abdul on the brain right now - "Opposites Attract" anyone?!). Seriously though. This past weekend was difficult. Actually, the entirety of last week was difficult. I spent a majority of Wednesday and Thursday wallowing in whatever it was I was feeling. I knew Friday night was going to be a big night. Friends from different parts of my life all converging in one place. I used to be good at working a room - I rocked at it and I lived for it. Now, I want to do anything but. The "social butterfly" no longer wants to be social. So, I was dreading it. But, I knew Friday night was not about me so I turned it on as best I could. And I did it - I did it well because I can - and I started having fun. I looked around and took in the actual meaning of what was occuring. All of those people, there, because they love Tommy and they love us. And when Tommy was playing I found a piece of my heart again. Part of the reason why I fell in love with him was because of his passion for music and his amazing guitar skills. Yes, he's got serious skills - if you haven't seen him you're missing out. But then the show was over and things changed. The excitment and fun I was having turned into something sour. The reality of my life as it is right now came crashing full-force into me. I lost some major footing that night and Saturday I felt it. I felt it to the core. I skipped out on a Christmas party Saturday evening because if I was barely in shape to be social Friday night there was no way I could turn it on again Saturday. Especially with the way I was feeling. But, at one point I decided to get up off my couch Saturday night and get some coffee and do some food shopping. Well, in the process of trying to be productive I lost my wallet in the streets of Westfield. Something like a wallet is replaceable along with everything in it. While it's a pain in the rear, in the grand scheme of things it's laughable. But, to me, it was the culmination of a very long week and a very long 24 hours. That wallet represented my favorite saying, "when it rains, it pours". And when it pours, it's like a monsoon unleashing on my life. Somehow I managed to sleep on Saturday. Probably because I had a bed all to myself. Sunday I woke up to snow. Not enough to make it enjoyable - just enough to make it annoying. But, I put my gear on and traveled to counseling anyway. I needed it... we needed it. I let it all out - everything that was bottled up inside me since Friday night. It felt good. I felt heard. I thought it was going to be an awful session but it turns out it was the best one yet. A glimpse of hope. A glimpse of normalcy. That night Sarah and I toasted the week goodbye with some wine. I don't think wine tasted any better than that night. By Tuesday my wallet was found but I wasn't. Something I said Sunday night ate at me. Then, last night I received an email from a former friend. It was painful. True or not, I felt my insecurities hit me like a truck head on. And so, I let them play out in some not so encouraging words to a friend. The last 3 days I've become the very thing I worked a year and half on to not be. A setback. I know nothing permanent and I started the recovery process with a heartfelt apology last night. But overall - I feel like I can't catch a break. I feel beat up. I feel broken. But in my brokenness I'm struggling to reach for God. I'm struggling to see Him, to hear him, to feel him. Then again - that's my own doing.

I'm 26 - almost 27. Is life really supposed to be this difficult at this age?! What the hell is the point?? I see my life, I see my friends lives - especially those who are dealing with far more than a mind can comprehend - and I say again... what's the point?! And yes, I know God is good. I know that I need to see life with an eternal perspective. I know Jesus is the way - I know he's the LIGHT in the darkness that i'm surrounded by right now. But right now - I can't see it. I'm trying, i'm trying desperately. It's just so very hard.

On an easier note - I watched the Victoria Secret Fashion Show last night. I love Heidi Klum. She's absolutely gorgeous! The show was fun. Most of the outfits were ridiculous but that's the point usually. I still don't get the attraction to Seal though. He's busted!