WHATEVER, WHATEVER, WHATEVER

I've got so much turmoil going on inside of me right now that I don't even know how to deal with it all...

I feel like Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when He's asking that the cup be taken from him and yet He knows that His Father's will must be done. And so my life must continue to move forward with whatever divine purpose is before it but right now my emotions are just incredibly intense and I would love to have some sort of release...

In my soul

There's a place deep down inside me that wonders, that agonizes over why the men in my life never fought for me. No, not a physical fight - but a deep, get past your own issues, come rescue and cherish the one you love kind of fight. It's painful today...

Tis the season...

I was a little over ambitious yesterday. I practically packed my entire apartment up and moved it to my sisters apartment all on my own. Can you tell i'm eager to get on with this part of my life. I would have taken pictures of my car, which if a cop pulled me over he would have thought I was living out of with the way it looked, but the camera on my phone no longer works. In the drugged up haze (cold medicine) over the weekend I dropped my phone in a cup of tea. ::just realized i posted about this in the last one... oh well...:: Luckily that was the only water damage. Although, the buttons are starting to really stick but the phone itself and texting still work fine. Remember the days without cell phones - how in the world did we live like that? I have a friend who doesn't own a cell phone... yes... doesn't OWN A CELL PHONE... and i'm kind of envious of her. LOL

The more and more I think about the upcoming holiday's the more at ease I am about them. I went and got a Peppermint Mocha from Starbucks today and there's something about the 'bux at this time of year that immediately puts me in the Christmas spirit. I think it's the red holiday cup and the goodness that comes inside it that brings it out. There truly is something comforting about a Starbucks coffee - marketing geniuses they are! Something as simple as a red cup can make people happy...

The big move is the 23rd. Over the next week I have to paint my new bedroom. I'm going with an Italian Rustic theme. Deep red walls, gold trim, european art on the walls. It's going to be my little hideaway. I want to be transported into another time and place when I enter it. I'm determined to have pictures so keep your eyes peeled on my blog for them when it's done.

Oh and my VOICE IS GETTING BETTER!!! The cold is finally going away and the medicine that I have to help my vocal cords finally has a chance to do its job. And, I think it's working. I think - let's keep our fingers crossed and our prayers coming...

Sick

It appears all of the stress and the medications i've been on have worn my immune system down to nothing. I've been in bed sick the past two days. I think a vacation to a tropical island is the only remedy at this point - lol.

In the middle of my drug induced delirium last night I dropped my cell phone in the cup of tea I had on my nightstand. I managed to pull it out rather quickly and save it from complete water damage. The only thing that doesn't work now is the camera. I got lucky considering.

Alright, going back to bed...

I voted...

Did you????????????

And the winner is....

We'll know tomorrow and spend the next four years worrying about the 2012 election. It never ends and yet as annoying as it is it's a constant reminder of the freedom of democracy. We should be ever greatful to the men and women who served and are serving this country to defend that (::Cough cough:: especially a certain Presidential Candidate who spent years of his life as P.O.W.). I'll spare the political jargon on this blog. I'm over the political debates. I'm voting for McCain. I have my reasons. I will say three things though 1. visit Allison's blog (a.k.a The Cat under my blogging junkies on my page) 2. Vote because you believe in what your candidate stands for not because you hate the other candidate. Take your vote seriously. Know your facts! 3. I fear for a unbalanced government. Checks & Balances are there for a reason and if tomorrow shifts that weight in all 3 branches in one direction it will be a scary 4 years. I will say that it will be sink or swim for the Democrats if they have that power. I have my thoughts on that but again will not be shared here. Get involved - use your freedom wisely. Everything effects YOU - the American Citizen - even if you turn off and tune out.

Now, onto other news...

I went for a 2nd opinion for my vocal cords today (technically it's the 3rd but my 1st doctor was a quack). I found my old doctor last Thursday by chance. He moved out of the practice that I used to go to and I spent a year trying to find him. After tears, prayers, and angry journal entry on Wednesday I truly believe God stepped in when I found him the following day. Dr. Citarelli is the kind of doctor that takes the time to sit with you and LISTEN to what the problem is. He thinks, he analyzes, and he doesn't just write a prescription and send you on your way. I trust him. So today we sat for 20 minutes discussing the last 5 months of my chronic throat/vocal cord problem. He took me off everything my ENT had me on (which i decided to go off myself this past weekend because I wasn't feeling any different on or off of the meds) and put me two new meds (Astelin & Singulair) plus home remedies (salt water gargle, honey, and a humidifier). He doesn't think there's anything serious causing my vocal cords to swell (the ENT said the same thing) and believes it's just allergies. So, 6 weeks of this and he is pretty sure it will be better. If not, he's going to send me to a different ENT. Let's hope and pray that I WILL be better in 6 weeks because 1. I don't want to go to ANOTHER doctor and 2. My insurance is good but not that good to keep funding all of this.

Other than that, my life (as usual), is one giant rollercoaster. I'm banking on a good 2009 - anything has to be better than this...

::EDIT::

I was just browsing some news sites and I just want to share one thought. I truly believe George W. Bush will go down as one of the greatest Presidents in history. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but someday this country will come to see all the good he has done both here and abroad.

Love

"We cannot live unaffected by love. We are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhumane when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it."

Frustrated

I'm completely frustrated. Right around the end of April I woke up one Saturday morning and had no voice (well, I had a voice but barely). I remember the day clearly because I had gone out dancing the night before. I figured it was just laryngitis so I waited it out a week or so because there was no pain associated with it. Sometimes my voice would get better, sometimes it would get worse. I finally decided to suck it up and make a doctors appointment. He gave me a Z-pak and said it was chronic laryngitis and to just rest my voice. It got better for a little while but nowhere near 100%. I figured "chronic laryngitis" - ok well I guess this is something i'll have to live with from this point forward i'll just have to learn how to manage it. So, I did all of the web research and since there were no serious causes to it I let it be. After ohhhh 5 months of not once having my voice at 100% I made an appointment for an ENT. When I went they put a nice little scope up my nose and down my throat (not a good feeling AT ALL). He said I had a raging throat infection and swollen adnoids which are at the top of your nose. He prescribed me strong antibiotics and a ton of allergy medicine. 2 weeks later my voice still wasn't better so I made a 2nd appointment. This time he went deeper into my throat. Probably the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I gagged almost the entire time. Good news was the infection was gone bad news was my vocal cords were still swollen. Next treatment - 6 day dose of oral steroids, acid reflux medicine, plus all of the allergy medicine I was already on. By the end of the 6 days my voice started to sound better and I really thought I was on the road to recovery until Monday night. I strained my voice again at the Coldplay concert and it's not getting any better. This is now 6 months where I haven't had my voice at 100%. When my voice started to heal last week someone actually said they didn't even recognize me because they've gotten used to my raspy voice. I want to be better, I want to have my voice back, I want this over with. It's literally brought me to tears a handful of times because it's just a chronic problem with no real solution in site. That's where i'm at today. I have a follow-up ENT appointment in 4 weeks. I really don't want to go on any more medicine. I want this to heal and I want my voice back to 100%.

Untitled

"Here’s the deal, when things happen in our lives that are jarring or disorienting, a shipwreck or a snakebite, it rattles the cage. You get a bad diagnosis or a pink slip or divorce papers and what happens is those things cause the compass needle to spin in our lives and we’re wondering which way is up? What is God doing? But I think it is in those situations that we need to realize that the Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust. Bad things do happen to good people, but here’s the good news, all things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose. It is not that we are immune to all these things that happen, it is that God can use them for His purposes and that’s what we hang onto. In a sense, I have this mental picture of Paul hanging onto driftwood in the Mediterranean until they finally make it to shore. And by the way, sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is hang in there. If you are at that place, hang in there! I believe you are going to make it to shore, and here’s what I’ve discovered in my life, sometimes the worst thing that happens to us can turn out to be the best thing that happens to us because God has a way of using those things to lay a foundation in our lives and to prepare us for what He wants. And I might suggest that sometimes we get so focused on getting where God wants us to go that we totally forget that God is far more concerned with who we are becoming in the process. Listen, God is going to get you where God wants you to go, that’s His business! But He’s not going to get you there until you are ready to get there, and who are you becoming is far more important than where you are going. So it is in these situations that God is working His purposes in our lives." - Mark Batterson (The Cage of Failure)

Broken Road

Bless The Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving armsThis much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

In the midst of all of what i'm going through how about a few things i'm thankful for...

1. God - He is so very near and present even when I feel soooo lost!
2. My family - as crazy as they are I love them
3. Friends - honestly could not make it through without them. Each one has played a special role in my life and I'm so very blessed and thankful.
4. Reconnecting with old friends - this year i've been given the blessing of reconnecting with two very important people in my life. It's absolutely incredible.
5. Glimpses of light when all seems dark - this one is very personal for me but in the darkest moments and the times when I feel i'm at the end of my rope Jesus is there shining his light and giving me hope when all seems hopeless.
6. Liz - she gets a special shoutout. God has used her in countless ways in my life, especially over the last year. She's my guardian angel.
7. My job - not only am I thankful for it for financial reasons but in many ways my girls here have become like family to me.
8. The outdoors - I love being outside. I love blue, sunny skies and clear, crisp nights. The beauty of nature draws me closer to the heart of God.
9. Softball - what an outlet that is for me. I miss it - I would play all year round if I could.
10. Love - there's no worse feeling and there is no better feeling

I could go on but i'll leave it off at 10. I know it's been awhile since my last update. I'm on an incredible journey that's very, very personal. I haven't felt like blogging in awhile because of it. Stick with me - as scattered as they are I will continue updating when I feel it's time to.

Lighter Look

I felt the blog needed a lighter look. I'll probably change it come Fall when the weather is cool and the leaves are changing. Fall is probably my favorite season. The colors, the cool but not cold air, pumpkins, apple cider, warm blankets, pies, etc. Love it!

However, we are entering holiday season which, I normally am super excited for, but this year not so much. It's the first year in 8 years without Tommy. Where do I even begin to deal with that. While the thought of not running around to a million different houses thrills me it also makes me very sad. I'm not dwelling on it this early on since it's still September but Halloween and Thanksgiving are right around the corner.

Moving on... I gots myself a part-time job yesterday. Security at the Meadowlands. I get to work the football games, concerts, and whatever else they have going on for a decent hourly wage. I definitely need the extra income. I do have to tell you though that in order to get this job I had to take a 434-question true/false psych test. One of those tests that are the same questions, asked over and over, in a million different ways. Such as, "You often lose your temper" followed a few questions later with, "You don't have much patience", and then a few more questions later, "You are easily angered". Oh, and it was a scantron. My hand was KILLING me and my eyes were crossed by the time I was done. I would love to see the test results. How would one even go about failing something like that and what does the result say, "crazy"?

The last few weeks have been up, down, and everywhere in between. I ventured to Coney Island before it closed, our softball team won the Sparta Championship (and I played a huge part), rocked a bachelorette party, and I've been here there and everywhere with my friends and my emotions. How about a picture montage for your visual amusement

Let's also mention the fact that I rode the Cyclone not once but TWICE! From the outside it looks like your average rollercoaster but when you are on it there are so many drops and turns mixed in that you end up screaming the entire time. The second time E & I rode it we were in the front car. That first drop was TERRIFYING! I have a picture of our faces on my keychain. I wish I could scan it and upload it.

I don't have many other pictures because I didn't have my camera at the other events but I will this weekend since I have my friends wedding on Friday. I've been looking forward to this one all summer.

Sidenote: Panera coffee is not even closely comparable to Starbucks - nih. The boys at my office got me an Iced Skim Mocha from Panera today. I'm extremely disappointed.

Alright, how's that for an update. Oh, I'll leave you with a fun picture of my transient roommate Liz (this is from Sarah's birthday way back in January). It's definitely been a blessing having her around...

Two Things

1. Sarah Palin's speech was amazing! She totally rocked it and tuned me back into this election.
2. The new NKOTB album is off the hook. Yes, I said 'off the hook'. It's got some serious beats and tight harmonies. If you liked their single "Summertime" get it - you won't be disappointed.

I just don't have the energy to blog a lot lately. Let's just say a lot has been going on (when is a lot never going on). Keep checking back though. I haven't left blogland for good!

Sunny Days

Alright, so I know my posts have been a major downer as of late. It’s no wonder why my comments are just about nonexistent. I promise to do my best to make these updates more upbeat starting with today.

It’s been a really long time since I had an overall good day and yesterday was one of them. I was finally able to spend some MUCH NEEDED quality time with my friend Kim. She’s like a sister to me. I’ve known her for over 10 years and our friendship goes through these weird cycles where we won’t talk for a very long time and then somehow we reconnect and it’s like we spent no time apart. We just pick up right where we left off. Last night I was finally able to catch her up on what my life has been like over the last few years. There is a support system there in our friendship that is just so natural and it was the first time in a long time that I just felt calm and at rest in the midst of this chaos. Not to mention we had a fantastic dinner. Christin I’m sorry I don’t have any pictures for you! We came back to my apartment in Westfield so she could scope out my place and then we went to dinner at one of the local restaurants – The Brick Oven. I’ve eaten there before and it’s pretty good. It’s your typical Italian restaurant (of which there are about 5 in Westfield and downtown Westfield is only about 4 blocks). But they are all good so I’m not complaining. There’s actually a really good variety of restaurants in Westfield that I have yet to try but that’s a topic for another day. Anyway, best part was that we were able to sit outside because it was GORGEOUS out! Kim and I decide to order a bunch of appetizers instead of entrees for dinner. On the list – Bruschetta, Baked Little Neck Clams Oreganata (Kim loves them – I hate seafood), and Asparagus wrapped in Mozzarella, Prosciutto, and Roasted Peppers. Can I just tell you that the Asparagus dish was probably one of the most amazing foods I have ever eaten. It was a party in my mouth!!! I couldn’t get enough of it! We both liked it so much that Kim is probably having it put on the menu at her family’s restaurant that they own. I wish I had a picture of this perfection. After dinner we made our way to my local hangout 16 Prospect. We had some non-alcoholic beverages and continued to talk and catch up. It was a nice, relaxing evening. Right around 10:30 we both pretty much crashed from exhaustion. It takes me all week to catch up from the lack of sleep I get on the weekends.

When I was all ready and tucked into bed I called Sarah and we had one of the best heart to hearts we’ve had in months. I was not anticipating the conversation but I’m glad it happened. Needless to say my bedtime got pushed back about an hour but it was well worth it. I also had a few other things happen yesterday that I’m looking forward to so it was a positive day. I needed it.

The next few days are pretty low key with the exception of Friday. Today I’m doing dinner and laundry at my moms. Tommy is coming to get his stuff at the apartment so I’m going to steer clear of Westfield for a little while. Not that him and I are on bad terms at all – it’s just too emotional. Tomorrow after work I’m going to see about a second job at the Meadowlands. My parents know a few people and I would love to get in there and work some concerts, shows, and games and make some extra $$$. Afterwards I have a late counseling session and then Liz is coming over to measure out the spare room I have. She’s going to be living with me for 2 months starting in September until her new apartment is ready in November. I’m actually looking forward to it. Liz is someone that balances me in a way that nobody else really does. It’ll be nice to have her around considering all I’m going through right now. Friday is the big day though. I get out of work at 1, hopefully I’ll hang with Estrella for a bit, and then it’s off to the city for Caroline’s bachelorette party!! Woohooo…. Me, Trish, Francie, Dawn, and Vanda are bringing Caroline to Lucky Cheng’s for some serious good times. Then we’re hoping to close out the night at an 80’s club. I can’t wait. When us girls are together it can get pretty wild and crazy. Saturday will be an R&R day after Friday and then Sunday – Sunday I can’t wait. I’m meeting Kim’s son Connor. I met him awhile back when he was about 1 ½ so he doesn’t remember me at all because that was the last time I saw him. I’m so excited. He’s 4 now and super adorable. That’s about how the rest of this week and weekend are rounding out.

Hope you enjoyed a happier update. It’s beautiful outside and will be all week. I wish I wasn’t stuck in this office!!!

Broken by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok
The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

************************************************************

This song has become my anthem

Tired

Emotionally, physically, spiritually - exhausted

Lately no matter how much sleep I get it's never enough. I feel like I could sleep for days. Signs of depression... i know.

Love & Love Lost

As my friends rejoice in engagements, weddings, anniversaries, and new babies I’m left feeling more alone and isolated than ever. I’m so ecstatic for each and every one of those moments and I celebrate with them but the reality of where I’m at is never more piercing than at those times. It’s hard to hear sounds of happiness when your own world is crashing down around you. The breakdown of love and marriage is extremely painful, scary, and lonely. We fought to make it work for so long but at the end of the day we raised the white flag and tossed in the towel. Critics can say what the want but we know how hard it was, we know what we went through, and we know we didn’t take the easy way out. I have a better appreciation for those who are going through and have gone through divorces. Unless you walk a mile in their shoes you have no idea what it’s like.

I’m 27 and entering a world I know nothing about. 8 years of my life, 8 years of my heart, 8 years of my dreams are now gone. At 19 you think you can conquer the world but at 27 you know with a quick flash the world can conquer you. Everything is new – living on my own, handling my own finances, even being single. I haven’t been single since I’ve been 14 years old. No, I’m not one of those people that always has to be with somebody but I’ve also never been that person to just play the field. In all of it there is an overwhelming sense of FEAR. Yet (when I stop to embrace these moments) there is a whole world ahead of me that I can make my own. It’s exciting and nauseating all at the same time.

It’s all still very raw. There is still so much to resolve. But at least there’s movement. I’m not sure what is worse – sitting in stagnation where nothing is being accomplished or having your life completely upended just so you can move forward with it. I’m actually thinking stagnation is worse since I’ve experienced them both.

I felt compelled to blog about this today. I haven’t shared the exact nature of my marital problems on here before but I thought it was time to give you a glimpse into my world as it exists right now since there’s no going back. I haven’t lost my faith in God, men, or love. Am I questioning what it all means – absolutely. But do I believe in all three – absolutely.

Update

There's an update on the blog link below. Isaac Ross Morgan was born on Saturday!!! He's doing well (and Mom is doing well too). Congratulations Allison & Chad!! I love you guys!!!

Life Happens

My friend is having her baby today - premature. They've been through hell and back to see this wonderful boy brought into this world. It's not happening as planned but God's plans are not our own. Please, please pray for them. Read her blog - it's tremendously raw and real. There are so many reasons for my tears right now...

http://www.mylostandfoundoflife.blogspot.com/

The Boss!!!

Bruce Springsteen – true Jersey! I’ve seen him 4 times and each time he has been great. I reconnected with an old friend of mine this week and she called me on Saturday to see if I wanted to go to the Springsteen concert on Sunday night. Giants Stadium – section 131. For those that know the Stadium those are AMAZING seats. I wish I could have found my camera to prove it but you’ll have to just trust me. Last night, my 5th Bruce concert, was PHENOMENAL. The best yet!! The guy is approaching 60 and he sounds just as good as he did when he was 20. Not only that but he was rockin’ out, dancing, sliding – truly engaging the crowd. The best part of the night (for those who are fans – you’ll appreciate this) was his closing set. Here is the entire set list which was great (and before the encore he played for 2 ½ hours straight) but take a look at the last 5 songs! The stadium was OUT OF CONTROL!!!

Tenth Avenue Freeze-Out, Radio Nowhere, Lonesome Day, Adam Raised A Cain, Spirit In The Night, Summertime Blues, Brilliant Disguise, Atlantic City, Growin' Up, Janey Don't You Lose Heart, I'll Work For Your Love, Youngstown, Murder Incorporated, The Promised Land, Livin' In The Future, Mary's Place, Working On The Highway, Tunnel Of Love, The Rising, Last To Die, Long Walk Home, Badlands

Girls In Their Summer Clothes, Jungleland, Born To Run, Bobby Jean, Dancing In The Dark, American Land, Rosalita

I needed it. I needed the concert, I needed the time with Kim – all around it was therapeutic to my soul. Thank goodness I spent Saturday night on my couch though. Simply Sleep knocked me out for 10 hours – I took it at 10:30pm Saturday night and woke up at 9:30 Sunday morning. It was great! The best sleep I’ve had in WEEKS! It made up for the lack of sleep I got last night. It took us over an hour to get back to Belleville (which is only a 5/10 min ride from the stadium). I was going to stay at my sisters since she lives in Belleville and it’s a quick ride to work from there in the morning. I get there, I put my pj’s on, I sit on the couch and I realize that I forgot my laptop at home. I absolutely need my laptop for work. So, I had to drive home at 1:30am last night. Good times. I was exhausted and I still am.

Let’s roll back to the weekend though. Friday night I took a little road trip into New York to bring E home. Love spending time with her. She loves to talk like I do so it was a fun ride. Saturday, Sarah & I went down to her parent’s boat and we laid poolside. Talk about R&R – the weather, the pool, the company was all perfect. So the last 4 days (because Thursday night was fun too) have really helped my spirits. Even though I’m tired I feel good. Which will help when we play the other first place team tonight. This is the most important game of the year. We beat them for the Championship last year. They thought they had it in the bag and even had an article ready to run in the Sparta newspaper and we came in and knocked them off their throne. So, they are out for blood. We are both tied for first so this game will setup the rest of the season for who stays in that first place spot.

Today is moving pretty quickly. I need coffee – STAT!

Bring the Rain by Mercy Me

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain

So I pray
Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

Holy, holy, holy
Is the Lord God Almighty

Shattered

Psalm 6:2-4

Be merciful to me, LORD, for I am faint;
O LORD, heal me, for my bones are in agony.
My soul is in anguish. How long, O LORD, how long?
Turn, O LORD, and deliver me; save me because of your unfailing love

Psalm 62:5

Find rest, O my soul, in God alone; my hope comes from him

Isaiah 40:31

But those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint

Romans 5:3-5

Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

Summer Frostbite

Monday has rolled around yet again. If it's any indication as to how this week is going to go - the first thing I did when I came into work this morning was spill a giant cup of water all over me. I would love to say I did this for the fun of it but no. I was setting up my computer and reaching underneath to plug it in when I knocked one of my picture frames over which knocked the cup of water over I left on my desk from last week which spilled ALL OVER my shirt. Not to mention that it's just about freezing in my office so I'm lucky the water didn't turn to ice.

Speaking of... why can't buildings be set to a normal temperature during the summer time?! Why must it be artic cold to counteract the heat outside?? I'm all for temps between 67-71 in an office but here it usually ranges between 55-60 (I kid you not). It's almost impossible to dress like a normal human being. You want to dress for the heat outside but you also don't want to freeze to death inside. So today I dressed for warmth even though it's a steamy 90 degrees outside. I'm hoping to usher in the fall early (or at least break the heat wave) with the color scheme i'm wearing. I have a burnt orange 1/4 sleeve shirt, brown pants, and orange & brown flops. There's nothing bright and summery about me today - lol.

This summer is flying by and I can't even handle it. Can you all believe I have yet to lay my rear end on a beach?!? There is something so severely wrong with that. I live in Jersey - i'm supposed to be parked at the Jersey Shore during the summertime. Apparently not this season. I'd like to get there just once though - just ONCE. Is that too much to ask?? I can't complain because i've had some great weekends but i'm determined to beach it in August. Maybe i'll go this coming Sunday - who's in??

I took a mental health day on Friday. I definitely needed it. This weekend was filled with anxiety, drama, tears, frustration, and pain but also with love, caring, humor, fun, and relaxation. I'm sure I can toss a few more adjectives in there to describe it but I think that's a good summary. Outside of all of the difficulties & turmoil that surround my life right now I am incredibley blessed. I need to focus on the good because it's so easy to get caught up in everything that's going wrong. And there was a lot of good this weekend. I spent some amazing quality time (and some really fun times) with someone who is quickly becoming one of my best friends (I love you E - yep you now get a shout out on the blog since you'll probably read this... lol), I took a road trip and got to know Chrissy's future husband (Jay you are fabulous & funny - as torturous as it was i'm glad Saturday happened because it helped me get to know you more) and spent some much needed time with her (Chrissy - I love you. You have been my friend for nearly a decade now and my life would not be the same without you. I don't know how I could have gotten through Saturday night if you weren't there), I fell in love with New York all over again, I danced, I ate amazing food, I laughed, I spent some fun time outdoors, I played with my friends nieces and there's something so refreshing in the heart & soul of little kids, I watched a good friend get married - all things I need to be thankful for. All things that help me get through this season of my life.

No softball today (and no segue into the next topic of conversation -lol). I'm supposed to do dinner with a friend but I don't think that's happening since I haven't heard from her. Which means I should probably do laundry since i'll have the time tonight. Ugh - I HATE laundry. HATE, HATE, HATE. When i'm rich i'm hiring someone to do it for me. Actually, when i'm rich i'm going to live my life in a bathing suit on a tropical island so I won't need to hire anyone to do my laundry because I won't have any. So, laundry & i'll probably catch up on some shows I have DVR'd. That's my life tonight.

Alright, I should do some actual work. "Looks like someone's got a Case of the Monday's"

Joanna: So, where do you work, Peter?
Peter Gibbons: Initech.
Joanna: In... yeah, what do you do there?
Peter Gibbons: I sit in a cubicle and I update bank software for the 2000 switch.
Joanna: What's that?
Peter Gibbons: Well see, they wrote all this bank software, and, uh, to save space, they used two digits for the date instead of four. So, like, 98 instead of 1998? Uh, so I go through these thousands of lines of code and, uh... it doesn't really matter. I uh, I don't like my job, and, uh, I don't think I'm gonna go anymore.
Joanna: You're just not gonna go?
Peter Gibbons: Yeah.
Joanna: Won't you get fired?
Peter Gibbons: I don't know, but I really don't like it, and, uh, I'm not gonna go.
Joanna: So you're gonna quit?
Peter Gibbons: Nuh-uh. Not really. Uh... I'm just gonna stop going.
Joanna: When did you decide all that?
Peter Gibbons: About an hour ago.
Joanna: Oh, really? About an hour ago... so you're gonna get another job?
Peter Gibbons: I don't think I'd like another job.
Joanna: Well, what are you going to do about money and bills and...
Peter Gibbons: You know, I've never really liked paying bills. I don't think I'm gonna do that, either.
Joanna: Well, so what do you wanna do?
Peter Gibbons: I wanna take you out to dinner, and then I wanna go back to my apartment and watch 'Kung Fu'. Do you ever watch 'Kung Fu'?
Joanna: I love 'Kung Fu'.
Peter Gibbons: Channel 39.
Joanna: Totally.
Peter Gibbons: You should come over and watch 'Kung Fu' tonight.
Joanna: Ok. Ok. Can we order lunch first? Ok.

Psalm 42

As the deer pants for streams of water, so my soul pants for you, O God.
My soul thirsts for God, for the living God. When can I go and meet with God?
My tears have been my food day and night, while men say to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

These things I remember as I pour out my soul: how I used to go with the multitude, leading the procession to the house of God, with shouts of joy and thanksgiving among the festive throng.

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. My soul is downcast within me; therefore I will remember you from the land of the Jordan, the heights of Hermon—from Mount Mizar.

Deep calls to deep in the roar of your waterfalls; all your waves and breakers have swept over me.

By day the LORD directs his love, at night his song is with me— a prayer to the God of my life.
I say to God my Rock, "Why have you forgotten me? Why must I go about mourning, oppressed by the enemy?"

My bones suffer mortal agony as my foes taunt me, saying to me all day long, "Where is your God?"

Why are you downcast, O my soul? Why so disturbed within me? Put your hope in God, for I will yet praise him, my Savior and my God.

Life is...

Painful

Weddings, weddings, and more weddings

Next weekend starts my wedding season. I have 3 weddings in the next 3 months. Next Saturday is Jenn & Jay's in Connecticut. It's special to me because I've watched Jay grow tremendously over the last few years and Jenn is truly his soul mate. In August I have a very fancy & expensive wedding in Newark. It's an all day affair with 2, yes 2 receptions. It'll be fun but not exactly my cup of tea. In September I have my friend Caroline's wedding. I am thoroughly looking forward to it because I will be at a table with all of my friends from work, good food, and great music. Not that any of the other wedding's won't have that but she's Cuban and those Cuban's know how to party.

I think I found my dress for the weddings as well. I can do a triple showing of it since there won't be a repeat person at any of them. I would display it here but I want it to be a surprise for those who will be seeing me. Let's just say it's very fun and very Marilyn Monroe. I'm not 100% sold on it but i'm close.

It's almost Friday... thank goodness!! The hair is getting done on Saturday. Any suggestions for colors?? I'm keeping the length just putting a ton of layers in it since it's so heavy.

I seriously need a vacation - a vacation all by myself. I need to think, clear my head, get myself focused on what I want to do with my life. I'm a disaster.

Happy 4th!!!

I know the 4th of July is tomorrow but I won't be working (or blogging) so I'm sending my best wishes today!

Softball has been great this week. It truly is saving me from myself right now. This is going to be a short post but I've been going through a lot of stuff lately as most of you know (or have read). Last night was a difficult night and I'm laying down some hard boundaries in certain relationships. I often doubt myself and want to retract but I read this quote this morning and it really gave me some much need encouragement...

The keynote speaker at the breakfast, Hollywood producer Mark Joseph, quoted a recent cover article in Christianity Today by professors Daniel Taylor and Mark McCloskey that said:

"In premodern times, the courage of a leader often had to be physical. In the last 500 years it is more often moral. Moral courage is the ability to do what's right even when it is deeply unpopular, even dangerous. Courage is only found where there is the genuine possibility of loss -- loss of friends, reputation, status, power, possessions or, at the extremes, freedom or life."

Have a good holiday! Enjoy some fireworks - I know I will!!!

Two posts - One day

I know!!! Mark this day on your calendar because it will probably be the only time you'll see this happen.

Read the post below first then come up to this one. I just listened to an online sermon about the Dangers of the Emerging Church. Rob Bell was mentioned in it and I have some serious issues with him and his beliefs. But outside of him I do have some major concerns in regards to this topic. I want to hear your thoughts about the "Emerging Church" good or bad.

So, if I still have readers out there it's your turn to weigh in. I'm listening!!!!

Have some consideration

If you guys thought I was lying about the IcyHot think again. I'm not kidding when I say I feel like a 70 year old woman this morning. It hurts to laugh, cough, move my arm - just plain move in general - lol. But for all of the physical anguish i'm in today i'm in a great mood. Softball is very theraputic for me. And I needed it after my day yesterday.

Ahhhh yes, the day. Monday. Why are Monday's always the worst. I blog about this all of the time and it never ceases to amaze me just how awful they are. Whatever emotional barracade I build up over the weekend comes crashing down around me. I'm so not kidding about this. I'll spare you the details of the morning because it's way too personal but in the afternoon my boss called me into her office for another "closed door" meeting. I find that i've been getting these once a month since about January. Apparently my job performance sucks. It wasn't exactly said like that but it was pretty darn close. Why you might ask. Because my boss is a micromanager and nitpicks about the DUMBEST things - like her 10 minute rant about how I didn't say hi to her 2 weeks ago when she walked in the door. I say hi to EVERYBODY when they walk in. I remember that day clearly. First of all it was a ROUGH morning and second I was so super busy that I didn't even hear her say Hi. It was the first and only time i've ever not said it. After that she sugarcoated it with, "look, i know you have a lot of personal stuff going on and I haven't lost faith in you. I believe in you and that this downturn will pass... yada, yada" It was nice but once your kicked when you are already down the sugarcoating isn't all that sweet. Now, could my job performance be improved - absolutely. But, i'm bored. I do the same thing everyday which is pretty much sit here, answer phones, and edit resumes. I'm way over qualified for this job. That's not me bragging... it's the truth. The problem is 1. I love everyone I work with 2. My bosses really are great bosses 3. I can come and go whenever I pretty much want, make my own hours, and we get tons of time off for holiday's and vacations 4. It's a steady job and with the economy the way it is i'd be crazy to jump ship 5. If i ever pass my Praxis next month this job will give me the flexibility to go to school. So you see - as much as I want to spork my eyes out it makes no sense to look elsewhere.

Let's now talk about the title of this blog - have some consideration. Every Tuesday starting from today until the end of the summer is Jazz night in Westfield. People swarm into Westfield like cockroaches to listen to the live Jazz bands they have playing all around town. The stores are open late, sidewalk restaurants and cafes are buzzing, and there are a ton of things for the kids to do. But the town is PACKED. So, instead of fighting the traffic later on this evening from this point forward I will be taking the train on Tuesdays. Now, if I wasn't so lazy in the morning i'd catch the 7:17 train. But, because i'm lazy I usually catch the 7:42 express train into Newark. I left my house at 7:30 to take the 5 minute walk to the train which would leave me over 5 minutes to buy a ticket. The first of the month at a station is like the first of the month at a welfare office. The line to buy the tickets was ridiculous. So much so that the train pulled up early at 7:39 and I watched the train pull away at 7:42 still waiting in line to get a ticket. The next train was at 7:50 and it was a local train - no big deal. The guy that was 2 people ahead of me (now, we ALL can see there is a really LONG line) decides to buy 10 one way tickets. 10! These ticket machines print like your watching paint dry. I didn't see 10 people with him. Is there a need to buy 10 one way tickets NOW??!! Needless to say I BARELY made the 7:50 train but I did - thank goodness.

Between softball yesterday and taking the train today I realized that I need to slow my life down. I'm always in such a rush and I try to be in too many places at one time. I blame my parents for that. Some of you know my mom (and I love her) but if you don't - if I need to be somewhere and i'm not there 1 minute early all hell breaks loose. My mom loses her mind on me. So I have an unrealistic sense of urgency almost all the time. Plus, it's a control thing for me. If I take the trian I really have no control over times or when i'm getting somewhere. If I have my car I can come and go whenever I want and there's no waiting (unless there's traffic of course and in traffic my stress level goes from 0 to 10 in less than a second). I'm way to wound up, way too stressed, and I care way too much about being places if there really isn't a specific time to be somewhere. Who wants to live life at warp speed or constantly stressed?! I mean, I know I live in the Northeast at the center of the world pretty much but I can at least attempt to slow down. It will never be a snails pace but maybe it'll be a little bit slower than what it is now.

We have this radio in the office that usually plays 100.3, 103.5, or 95.5 - all Top 40 stations pretty much. There is this guy in our office who sits at a desk pretty close to my front desk. He has his own radio. He INSISTS on playing Iron Maiden and death metal every morning and then again late in the afternoon. Not only that but he plays it soooo loud that I can't even concentrate. DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!! You ask him to turn it down and he flips out. Complains that the other radio is too loud and since he hates listening to it he has to drown it out by playing his extra loud. It's an everyday battle. Can you imagine listening to Iron Maiden every morning without wanting to throw yourself off a building???

Short week for me - we have a half day on Thursday and then off on Friday. So far I have no idea what i'm doing really. The game plan is fireworks at Brookdale park Thursday night with Tommy and a bunch of friends. Brookdale fireworks by the way are probably the best in NJ. I'm hoping the pool at Sarah's parents boat on Friday. Saturday is a BBQ at my parents trailer and Sunday I will be vegging in front of the TV (I hope). That's the game plan for the holiday weekend.

Alright - even though it's Tuesday it's technically my Wednesday. Woohooo!!

Softball

Today is my first softball game of the season. From now until the middle of August I have a game every Monday and Wednesday night. Last year we were the league Champions so we're hoping for a repeat. It's definitely pretty competitive (if it wasn't I wouldn't drive almost an hour to play 2 days a week).

I'm so behind on the updates. It's not that I don't want to blog I just feel like my life really isn't all that interesting.  So let's talk about the weekend

Friday night I went to Adega with my friend E in Newark. Not a big place but definitely fun. Good mix of music - Hip Hop, Top 40, Reggae, Latin. The floors light up like you are playing a giant game of Simon (not Simon Says - Simon the memory game). Saturday I was finally able to drag Sarah along for a weekend adventure. It's been awhile since we actually hung out on a Friday or Saturday. We went into the city because we were meeting Estrella at this club in Midtown - Mantra. I can't quite figure out what the big deal is about this club. It's definitely one of those places that's tough to get in to. Once we got into the VIP section it was better but it was way too crowded and way too hot. We still had fun though. After two days of dancing my hamstrings were definitely a little sore (how sad is that).

And let's talk about being sore... I had softball practice yesterday ontop of two days of dancing. My body is getting OLD. I'm cracking and popping all over the place. My butt, shoulders, hips, arms, legs - all sore. And I have a game tonight. Tomorrow will be a whole post on IcyHot & heating pads.

God is really teaching me a lot lately. I hate it and love it all at the same time. Actually, what I mostly hate is being so self-aware. What I mean by being so self-aware is the awareness of all of my insecurities in relationships (including trust issues which feed into my abandonment issues). They are on the forefront of everything lately since that seems to be what He wants me to work on.

It's Monday right. I was the first one into the office so I thought i'd be nice and make coffee. For some reason I could not get the coffeemaker to work. I checked the plug, I checked the grinder - nothing. My boss comes in and I tell him our coffeemaker isn't working. He walks over and goes, "well, it would help if you plug it in." I plugged the toaster in instead and everytime I checked the plug I was checking the toaster. Woohoo - go ME! What an idiot I am. Ahhhh Monday's.

Ok - that's the update. I have to work. It's a holiday week - yay!

6 months till Christmas?!

I mean really people - where is this year going?! There's less than 6 months of shopping left until Christmas. How fantastically crazy (but true) is that statement. I just want to hit the pause button right now and soak up all that has happened so far. For me, everything has happened so fast that I really haven't had the chance to stop and reflect on it all. And when I do have those rare moments to sit back and take it all in it's overwhelming. It's either all or nothing since I don't have days (or even hours) to reflect on anything.

I saw something pretty incredible yesterday at my local Starbucks. First of all, I love my Starbucks. It works like a well oiled machine. I never wait more than 3 minutes for my coffee no matter how busy it is (and believe me - it gets super busy). Second, they make the best coffee. I've been to dozens of Starbucks and this one makes every cup perfect. It's never to sweet or never not sweet enough. Third, and this is what I saw yesterday, the management. I know just about everyone that works there now and there's this woman who is ALWAYS cleaning and running around. I figured she was the manager but never really asked. Yesterday I see her mopping the floor and scrubbing the bathroom. I stopped and made small talk then asked her if she was the manager (which, like I guessed, she was). I mean, my jaw must have dropped to the floor. I couldn't praise her enough for doing the dirty work. She said to me, "I would never ask my employee's to do something I wouldn't do myself." How awesome is that! There are not a lot of people in the working world left who truly walk the walk and don't just talk the talk. She rocks my socks!

Speaking of the weekend... this one was the first drama free weekend since Memorial Day. Friday night, Sarah and I layed low and had a drink at the local bar. Saturday - my lovely girls (Karina, Nicole, and Liz) came over and I made breakfast. I love getting together with them on Saturday's because it's just a nice time to catch up with each other. Afterwards, Liz & Nicole spent an hour and a half down in Nirvana (Melissa met them there). They had personal shoppers picking out lots of clothes for them. It was so much fun to watch. Kind of like that scene in Sex & the City where Carrie is putting on a fashion show for her friends. Good times. It was so miserable out that afterwards I really didn't want to do anything. It was a catch 22 because I didn't want to stay in but I also didn't want to be outside. I layed on the couch for about 2 hours when I finally decided to go to the batting cages. My softball season starts June 30th so I thought it would be a good idea to get some swings in. I'm getting old because I have sore muscles that I didn't even realize belonged to me. Saturday night I had my choice of either continuing my laziness on the couch, going into the city with Liz and the girls, or going to see Tommy play. After a long debate with myself (and realizing it was pouring outside) I decided to stay in... well... until Sarah called and convinced me to go to the Colorado Cafe. It was kind of lame though since it's the summer. Normally that place is packed out but it wasn't. We ended up hangin' in the band room most of the night instead of dancing. Yesterday, I took Sarah to LaGuardia Airport (in New York) because she's visiting a friend in Minnesota. What normally should take 40 minutes turned into a 2 hour nightmare. Thank goodness I took some detours too which I normally wouldn't have otherwise it would have taken 4 hours and she would have missed her flight. I have no idea what was going on on the Cross Bronx yesterday but there were 2 hour delay's from some of the George Washington Bridge approaches. I took the one that only took an hour and 15 minutes- thank goodness. And, what the hellllzzz is the deal that it cost me $18 to get to the airport. That's only 2 bridges! $8 for the GWB and $10 for the Triborough. Man - as if gas prices aren't bad enough! When I finally got back into NJ I had dinner with my family for father's day, played Wii (I love the Wii), and then went home and watched Army Wives before going to bed. All and all not much of an exciting weekend.

Today - I gots a HOT DATE with Chrissy. A little bit of food, SATC since she hasn't seen it, then a sleepover at her apartment. Good times ahead!!!

Is this week over yet??

Politics - bring it on!

I've refrained from politics a lot in my blogs over the last year or so. But, I couldn't help post this article. Yes, it's by Ann Coulter. I'm a fan and I don't care what anyone says. Yes, she is radical but I think this article speaks right to the point with very little sass. The comparison of the troop deaths in Iraq today to the deaths in Chicago really struck me. It's incredible how quickly we forget where it all started...

BUSH'S AMERICA: 100 PERCENT AL-QAIDA FREE SINCE 2001June 11, 2008In a conversation recently, I mentioned as an aside what a great president George Bush has been and my friend was surprised. I was surprised that he was surprised. I generally don't write columns about the manifestly obvious, but, yes, the man responsible for keeping Americans safe from another terrorist attack on American soil for nearly seven years now will go down in history as one of America's greatest presidents. Produce one person who believed, on Sept. 12, 2001, that there would not be another attack for seven years, and I'll consider downgrading Bush from "Great" to "Really Good." Merely taking out Saddam Hussein and his winsome sons Uday and Qusay (Hussein family slogan: "We're the Rape Room People!") constitutes a greater humanitarian accomplishment than anything Bill Clinton ever did -- and I'm including remembering Monica's name on the sixth sexual encounter. But unlike liberals, who are so anxious to send American troops to Rwanda or Darfur, Republicans oppose deploying U.S. troops for purely humanitarian purposes. We invaded Iraq to protect America. It is unquestionable that Bush has made this country safe by keeping Islamic lunatics pinned down fighting our troops in Iraq. In the past few years, our brave troops have killed more than 20,000 al-Qaida and other Islamic militants in Iraq alone. That's 20,000 terrorists who will never board a plane headed for JFK -- or a landmark building, for that matter. We are, in fact, fighting them over there so we don't have to fight them at, say, the corner of 72nd and Columbus in Manhattan -- the mere mention of which never fails to enrage liberals, which is why you should say it as often as possible. The Iraq war has been a stunning success. The Iraqi army is "standing up" (as they say), fat Muqtada al-Sadr --the Dr. Phil of Islamofascist radicalism -- has waddled off in retreat to Iran, and Sadr City and Basra are no longer war zones. Our servicemen must be baffled by the constant nay-saying coming from their own country. The Iraqis have a democracy -- a miracle on the order of flush toilets in that godforsaken region of the world. Despite its newness, Iraq's democracy appears to be no more dysfunctional than one that would condemn a man who has kept the nation safe for seven years while deifying a man who has accomplished absolutely nothing in his entire life except to give speeches about "change." (Guess what Bill Clinton's campaign theme was in 1992? You are wrong if you guessed: "bringing dignity back to the White House." It was "change." In January 1992, James Carville told Steve Daley of The Chicago Tribune that it had gotten to the point that the press was complaining about Clinton's "constant talk of change.") Monthly casualties in Iraq now come in slightly lower than a weekend with Anna Nicole Smith. According to a CNN report last week, for the entire month of May, there were only 19 troop deaths in Iraq. (Last year, five people on average were shot every day in Chicago.) With Iraqi deaths at an all-time low, Iraq is safer than Detroit -- although the Middle Eastern food is still better in Detroit. Al-Qaida is virtually destroyed, surprising even the CIA. Two weeks ago, The Washington Post reported: "Less than a year after his agency warned of new threats from a resurgent al-Qaida, CIA Director Michael V. Hayden now portrays the terrorist movement as essentially defeated in Iraq and Saudi Arabia and on the defensive throughout much of the rest of the world, including in its presumed haven along the Afghanistan-Pakistan border." It's almost as if there's been some sort of "surge" going on, as strange as that sounds. Just this week, The New York Times reported that al-Qaida and other terrorist groups in Southeast Asia have all but disappeared, starved of money and support. The U.S. and Australia have been working closely with the Philippines, Malaysia and Indonesia, sending them counterterrorism equipment and personnel. But no one notices when 9/11 doesn't happen. Indeed, if we had somehow stopped the 9/11 attack, we'd all be watching Mohammed Atta being interviewed on MSNBC, explaining his lawsuit against the Bush administration. Maureen Dowd would be writing columns describing Khalid Sheik Mohammed as a "wannabe" terrorist being treated like Genghis Khan by an excitable Bush administration. We begin to forget what it was like to turn on the TV, see a tornado, a car chase or another Pamela Anderson marriage and think: Good -- another day without a terrorist attack. But liberals have only blind hatred for Bush -- and for those brute American interrogators who do not supply extra helpings of béarnaise sauce to the little darlings at Guantanamo with sufficient alacrity. The sheer repetition of lies about Bush is wearing people down. There is not a liberal in this country worthy of kissing Bush's rear end, but the weakest members of the herd run from Bush. Compared to the lickspittles denying and attacking him, Bush is a moral giant -- if that's not damning with faint praise. John McCain should be so lucky as to be running for Bush's third term. Then he might have a chance.

I know, I know...

I'm so behind on my posts. Honestly, it took me forever to get rid of my cold and then I dealt with a whole lot of drama so my blog has felt the repercussions.

Here's a list to rundown where i've been, where i'm at, and where i'm going

1. I can't handle an Obama/Clinton superticket. I've been praying with all my might against it
2. Memorial Day Weekend was terrible and everything spiraled out of control from that point until yesterday when it finally culminated. It was a good outcome after all the drama but it was drama nonetheless
3. SATC was FANTASTIC and i'm making a repeat attendance this weekend
4. I've been going to The Manor on Friday nights - it's a hip-hop club in the city. Awesome times!
5. Going to Sleezeside tonight (Seaside) for some R&R. It's going to be a hot, sunny weekend so why not enjoy it at the beach.
6. I've been enjoying a daily dose of a Starbucks classic - Iced, Skim Mocha
7. I love country line dancing - I do. The Colorado Cafe is my favorite Saturday night hotspot
8. I could eat a salad every day from 16 (my hangout in Westfield). Field Greens, tomato's, mozzarella, pignoli nuts, cucumbers, and chicken (i make them leave off the onions and olives). It's totally the nuts that make the entire salad and the homemade basalmic vinagrette.
9. My Ipod needs a June mix - anyone have any song suggestions?
10. Jersey summer has arrived - hot & humid

Alright that's a brief rundown. Not many details in there. I will say that life is crazy. Enjoy the weekend!!!

Is it Friday yet??

I wish I could say the reason why I haven't blogged in a few days is because I've been busy with some exciting things. Alas, not so much. I've actually been sick with a throat and sinus infection. It started Saturday night and by Sunday evening my throat felt like it had hot razors in it. When I went to the doctor on Monday not only was my throat still a disaster but I was incredibly congested. Not to mention I hadn't slept in a few days since the pain would keep me up at night. Thank god for antibiotics, decongestants, and acetametaphin. I think i'm finally on the road to recovery though because today is the first time i've been able to taste things in a few days.

I have zero plans for Memorial Day weekend. It's Fleet Week in NYC though so I might have to venture in to check out the scene.

So much to do today so the post will remain small. I promise a big one soon.

Weekend Madness

The last 24 hours have been absolutely emotionally draining. Sometimes the reality of who you are smacks you dead in the face. When you work so hard to change unhealthy habits and they rear their ugly head again - it's a tough thing to swallow. There have been certain situations in my life where friends have needed my unconditional support and all I could offer them was frustration, an "I know what's best" attitude, and judgement. Stare down into the face of that and you tell me how you would feel about yourself. But then, breakthrough. I haven't seen God's hand in a lot of things lately (mostly because of my own unwillingness to see even though i'm sure he's there) but he showed up last night. Instead of being able to talk my way out of this particular situation he gave me the opportunity to SHOW how I could be different. Instant gratification. Fresh off of beating myself up I was given a chance to rise to the challenge and I love challenges. I want to be the better person, the better friend when these particular situations arise. Those awful qualities actual come from a place of me trying to be protective and loving. I just need to channel that in a different way.

Busy weekend. Tomorrow I have a wedding shower and Sunday I have to meet with my father's lawyers regarding his lawsuit for my stepmother. Craziness. What I really need to do is sleep for a few days straight and not get out of bed.

27 has finally arrived...

Lots to update you on. I intended to do it yesterday but I never got a chance so i'm a day late and a dollar short. Overall I would say I had a great birthday. There were moments where I was an emotional wreck but I think those feelings are allowed based on the year that I've had.

The birthday celebration started Thursday night. Our company gives us off on our birthday's but because mine fell on a Saturday I got Friday off this year. Thursday night was such a relaxing night and it was definitely needed. Warm spring air, some wine, my best friend, her dog, and an amazing heart to heart conversation. Moments like those are my absolute favorite. It's as if the outside world seems to stop for just a few short hours and life is as it should be. I need more those moments that's for sure. Can I just tell you how awesome Sarah's dog is for a second. She is the SWEETEST, MOST GENTLE dog ever. You can smoosh her face, throw her around, squeeze her like Elmyra and she just takes it. Not only that but she sleeps ALL the time and will even sleep later than you in the morning, is completely house trained, and hardly ever barks. So meet C.C. (short for Coco Chanel)...

I mean seriously, you just can't help but LOVE this dog!

Friday was a wet, cold, and dreary day. But, Nicole & I ventured into the City anyway and went to the Museum of Modern Art. We stood in the pouring rain, on a line that was half a block long (a NYC block) just to get in. Good thing it moved pretty fast. I was worried about Nic's umbrella actually starting to work at some point (lol). Moving on... I'm almost ashamed to say this but as an avid art fan the only NYC art museum I have ever been to is the Metropolitan Museum of Art. So Friday was my first time at the MoMA and I LOVED it! Standing in front of Van Gogh's Starry Night was such a surreal experience. Being in a room filled with Picasso's, Kandinsky's, Monet's, and Rothka's was amazing, humbling, and moving. Those artists never desired to be famous. They painted as a way to express their life, their emotions, their struggles. It was an outlet for everything that was built up inside them. That's what makes those pieces so real, so raw. That's why art trancends all generations. Enjoy some of my favorite pieces...

This piece is just... there are no words. Van Gogh's "Starry Night" is classic

And those are just some of the amazing art pieces there. There were definitely moments where i teared up. Mostly because I love art, I love the City, I love doing things with the ones I love and part of me has lost that over the last few years. I've lost part of who I am and being at the MoMA on Friday helped stir up those feelings that I thought were long gone. I'm slowly rediscovering myself and it's scary and exciting all at the same time.

We left the museum hoping to catch the 3:06pm train back to Westfield but we missed it by 10 minutes. We caught the next train at 4:13pm and then met Sarah and Liz for Happy Hour at the Jolly. Good times with those girls! Then it was date night with my husband. He had music things to do on my birthday so we went out Friday night instead. He had callilies waiting in the car for me. They were gorgeous. Then we went to Monster Sushi for dinner where I got my asaparagus rolled in teriyaki chicken (A-MAZING). When I was ordering though I thought the waiter had said, "ok, thank you Nicole" and Tommy and I both did a double take like, "did he just say my name? how the heck does he know my name? nah, he didn't say my name - he barely spoke english so he probably said something else." Well, he did say my name because later on they sang Happy Birthday to me. My sister had called the restaurant to make sure they embarassed me properly. Love her. Afterwards we went to the coolest place. It was this indoor, glow in the dark mini-golf arcade called Monster Golf. Decked out like Halloween. CRAZY FUN! Probably the hardest mini-gold i've ever played. But, of course, I won. Yes, i'm gloating. Here are some pictures...

Once I claimed the victory I met up with Sarah at 16 where the girls (the bartender's who are now our friends) got me a card and this beautiful bouquet of flowers. So super sweet. Love them!

Saturday morning (my actual birthday) I met up with Chrissy, Adie, Lane, Joanna, and Karina for breakfast. So yummy!!! Chrissy and I then went shopping for an outfit for that night. I was told by Sarah that I needed to dress like a biker chick so I purchased some ripped jeans (which by the way fit SO PERFECT), a black skull and cross bone tank top, and a short black hoodie. Then I picked up some makeup to complete the ensemble. I actually LOVED the outfit. It was so comfortable. That night I went over Sarah's and she started the night by cooking one of my favorite dishes - Penne Vodka.

That sauce looks gross but it was AWESOME! Prosciutto, mushrooms, and peas in a pink cream sauce.

After dinner we started the night at this club called The Den where they were having a drag queen runway show. Hilarious! So fun!

After about a half-hour the show got boring so we ended the night at this bar in New Brunswick called the Knighclub. Not much dancing but definitely a lot of fun. We followed it up with some late night disco fries at a local diner and then I stayed over Sarah's because we didn't get home until 4. Even though I live 2 minutes away Sarah has a driveway and I was not about to get up at 9am to move my car from behind my building.

I spent Sunday morning cleaning my apartment and then went to my parents where we had a mothers day/birthday dinner for me and my mom. For those that don't know my mom is a pack rat. They are in the process of remodeling the house and buying a new shed for the backyard. My mom has crates, crates, and more crates filled with useless crap. I now belong to a white trash family. Take a look at the backyard. That's not even a quarter of what my mom has collected.

Once dinner was over I went home and Sarah came over with the dog and we vegged on the couch.

Monday morning I got up early because my dentist appointment from last week was rescheduled for 8am. I couldn't make it up the parkway in time because of the rain and flooding yesterday so the extra hour I could have slept was wasted. I needed it to because I barely slept all weekend. When I was done with work I went home and passed out for 45 minutes. It was necessary. Liz and Sarah both came over when I woke up and we watched some tv. After Liz left Sarah and I watched "27 Dresses". We both had seen it already but we LOVE that movie so I purchased it last week when it came out. Please see it if you haven't. I laughed, I cried - it was perfect.

I still haven't slept though. My insomnia is back. Hate it. I'm going to get an Iced Mocha from Starbucks in a bit. Bringing back a classic. I'm really hoping to hit the gym tonight. It's been too long (just like this post).

Yes, they are from Mars

I went to a Cinco de Mayo celebration at a Chevy's on Staten Island last night. I was doing my good deed for the day. It was way too crowded, too much money, and the people - oh the people. If you aren't from the New Jersey/New York Tri-State area you really can't understand what people are like from here. They are their own breed. And yes, I did grow up here, but no I am not like them. The big hair, the fashion nightmares (clothes that are 10 sizes too small), the gold chains, the nails and makeup, and the list goes on. You can get an idea at www.njguido.com but really you have to see it with your own eyes. And my own eyes were hurtin' last night. I'm still amazed sometimes even though I've grown up with it. Anyway, we met one of Sarah's friends in the restaurant and hung out for a bit and then left early. We didn't want to pay $20 just to stand outside and drink. Not kidding.

So, we were back in Jersey by 10:15pm and went to a local dive bar to hang out and talk. For those of you who are wondering - I didn't drink. I'm noticing on my blogs that I talk a lot about bars and drinking but honestly it's not as much as it sounds. But, being that it was Cinco de Mayo I am now the proud owner of a Corona Visor which will come in handy during softball season.

I'm wondering if I still have any readers out there. If you are there and read my blog leave me some love. Enjoy the gorgeous day!

Happy Cinco de Mayo

Welcome back to the work week everyone. As we all know I hate Monday's. But today I got up especially early because I had a dentist appointment scheduled at 8am in Clifton (which is about 20 min. north from where I live). Why I scheduled it on a Monday morning I will never no. Anyway... i'm up, i'm dressed, i'm clean and I was just about to leave my apartment at 7:30 when my cell phone rings. "Hi Nikki, it's Dottie from Dr. Resnick's office. Dr. Resnick is ill today and won't be in so we have to reschedule all of our appointments. Sorry for the inconvenience." Now, as excited as I was to not have to go to the dentist this morning and that she caught me before I made my way up to the office I was so mad because I could have slept an extra 45 minutes. It's important to soak up every minute of sleep when Monday roll's around. So instead I decided to make good use of my time by putting on makeup before I got to the office and head to work early. Both of which I would never do today.

Let's back up to Thursday night because that's where my weekend fun begins. Sarah & I really needed to do some laundry so we thought it would be fun if we went to the laundromat and did it together. Now there's 3 in town but trying to find one open late in my area is a joke. I'm so used to laundromat's being open till 11pm/12am from where I used to live. But, we find one that's open till 9:30pm - ok great, we'll get it done. Now this particular laundromat is in a stripmall and right next door is a Liquor store. So, I glance in because I was going to scope out the wine collection and I see a bar inside the store. I mean, when I say ghetto I mean GHETTO bar. An old man, alocholic person type of hangout. But, we're thinking JACKPOT. Do laundry, have a drink, chill out - perfect place while you wait. Which was exactly what happened. We got to know the bartender (total cutie - older guy but definitely good looking), watched some sports, and had a drink while our laundry was in the machines. It couldn't have been more random or more perfect. I wish you all could see this place - words cannot describe it. It's too be seen with your own eyes to understand how awesome it is. Later that night we went to the Jolly because Thursday nights are karaoke night. Good times as always. We never sing we just like to people watch and listen to how bad everyone is. Although, I will sing if i've either had too much to drink or if someone sings with me. You'll never catch me doing a solo act otherwise.

Friday night I had a movie date with Chrissy. So much fun. We haven't had one of those in FOREVER! I left work and met her at 5:30 at Clifton Commons and we saw, "Made of Honor" with Patrick Dempsey and Michelle Monaghan. Patrick doesn't know it YET but he's going to marry me someday. He is soooo HOT - I seriously can't help myself. If I was 16 I would find every magazine picture of him and stick him all over my walls. Anyway, back to the movie. It was awesome. Of course it's your typical love story. I would say along the lines of "My Best Friend's Wedding" only better. You actually felt the characters emotions and struggles throughout the movie. You were with them all the way. You laughed, you cried, you cheered at the end. It was very fulfilling. I left a satisfied viewer and would see it again. Afterwards I helped Sarah move in this gorgeous entertainment center into her new apartment and then just chilled.

Saturday I got my hair done - color and cut. It's this dark cherry red... HOT! I stuck with one color this time mainly because I can't really afford to do crazy highlights right now. As far as the cut... my hair has gotten pretty long but I wanted to keep some of the length. So Alicia cut off about 2 1/2 inches and gave me some long layers. I didn't realize how long my hair had actually gotten because even with taking that amount of hair off it's still long. It needed it though. Afterwards I got the nails and toes done - hot pink! A full day of pampering myself. It was needed. I spent the rest of the night on the couch watching tv. I ended up falling alseep at 11pm which was actually good because I needed the sleep.

Sunday I was up bright and early at 7am. Mostly because I fell asleep at 11pm the night before but also because I was going on a bus trip to Atlantic City. It was my parents, my sister and her boyfriend, and me and Sarah along with the parents of my brothers boy scout unit. It was a fundraiser for their troop. We got to the Trump Plaza around 11am, played some slots, then me, my sister, and Sarah decided to walk the boardwalk. As we're walking my sister goes, "I want to go look at some tattoo's." We walk down to Kentucky Ave. on the boardwalk and found Lucky Lou's Tattoo's. Sarah & I had been talking for awhile about getting tattoo's. I wanted Robin's initials underneath the tattoo that I already have and I also want one on my ankle that extends down to my foot. Sarah wanted one on the back of her neck and so did my sister. Well, we all found something we liked and before we made any rash decisions we sat at the Irish Pub to mull it over. All of a sudden Sarah goes, "I'm getting it done" and we all followed suit. Honestly, you couldn't beat the price. It was a $40 shop minimum. Most shop minimums up here are $80. All of our tattoo's cost $40 a piece because they were small and not all that detailed. Sarah got the chinese symbol for change on her neck, my sister got her first initial (the letter A) with a star on her neck, and I got Robin's initial's underneath my tattoo on my arm. Here are two pictures of what it looks like

The first picture is from yesterday about 2 hours after it was done and the second picture is from today. I love it. I love all of our tattoo's.

Today is Cinco de Mayo. I would say 98% of Ameican's have no idea what it actually means - just that it's a day to drink at your local Chevy's. I actually heard one guy give an explanation yesterday that was completely wrong. So, for all of those interested in knowing what Cinco de Mayo really is here is an excerpt from wikipedia...

"Cinco de Mayo (Spanish for "5th of May") is primarily a regional and not an obligatory federal holiday in Mexico. The holiday commemorates an initial victory of Mexican forces led by General Ignacio Zaragoza Seguín over French forces in the Battle of Puebla on May 5, 1862. The date is observed in the United States and other locations around the world as a celebration of Mexican heritage and pride. A common misconception in the United States is that Cinco de Mayo is Mexico's Independence Day; Mexico's Independence Day is actually September 16, which is the most important national patriotic holiday in Mexico."

Concerts, Courts, and the News?

Alright alright, it's time to talk about the Hanson concert. I came, I saw, I conquered. I refuse to give into Christin's insistence that they are better than sliced bread but I will say this... they are fun. I have been to worse concerts. But still, it was Hanson, and I would have much rather been somewhere else. Especially when Mmm Bop came on - acoustic version. I almost did a Van Gogh to my ears. I think the best part of the entire concert was the average age of the girls there. There weren't many younger than 21 I'll say that. These boys have a cult following that's for sure. I do have pictures that I'll post later. I can't seem to get them uploaded properly.

I had the afternoon off yesterday to finally settle my traffic ticket in Scotch Plains. 5 1/2 hours and 1 evacuation later I had to pay $433 so I wouldn't get points on my license. The municipal court system absolutely needs an overhaul. There was no need for me or anyone else to be there that long. Between the lines and the judge and the order of the cases it was a nightmare. No sort of structure. The line you checked in with the court clerk was the same line you waited in to pay your ticket. So when people arrived for the 4pm court if you were there trying to pay your fine from the 12pm court you had to wait on the same line as those checking in. And, the fire alarm and evacuation took a good hour from the day. I was exhausted and broke by the time it was all over. I couldn't wait to get out of Scotch Plains.

Since my friends have taken the liberty of creating a Spring playlist I thought I'd go ahead and make one myself. It's a little bit long but it needed to be varied. Here goes:

1. Cadence (Acoustic) - Anberlin
2. I want to Hold Your Hand - The Beatles
3. Good - Better than Ezra
4. Caroline - Brian Fitzpatrick
5. I Ain't In Checotah Anymore - Carrie Underwood
6. Killa - Cherish
7. Free and Easy (Down the Road I Go) - Dierks Bentley
8. Big Me - Foo Fighters
9. I Won't Dance - Frank Sinatra
10. Waiting for the World to Fall - Jars of Clay
11. What If I Loved You - Joey Gian
12. Waiting On the World to Change - John Mayer
13. Have a Little Faith In Me - John Hiatt
14. When You Say You Love Me - Josh Groban
15. No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problem - Kenny Chesney
16. Broken - Jump Little Children
17. Falling Down - Lynden
18. Two Ways to Say Goodbye - Pat Monahan
19. Wave on Wave - Pat Green
20. Grace - Phil Wickham
21. The Candy Man - Sammy Davis, Jr.
22. Chasing Cars - Snow Patrol
23. Our Song - Taylor Swift
24. World Spins Madly On - The Weepies
25. Saving Grace - Steve Jones
26. Leave the Pieces - The Wreckers
27. Beverly Hills - Weezer

So there ya go! Hope you enjoy the list!

I was coming out of Stop & Shop today during lunch and there was a camera crew there just hanging out. This woman comes over to me and asks if she can ask me a few questions. She says she's from Channel 7 and is interviewing people about the rising costs in supermarkets. I kindly tell her that I don't shop that often to notice but she insists on asking me a few questions. Mind you - this is NOT my best looking day. Of all the days I decided to not care what I look like today is the day. I made up some answers because I really have not noticed prices going up. Look for me, my sunglasses, and my fuzzy NorthFace jacket tonight on World News Tonight with Charles Gibson at 6:30pm (est). I really think they'll keep my segment!!! I'm GLOBAL people!!!

Against my Will

Tonight I will be seeing these boys at Starland Ballroom

Oh yes - that's Hanson. Please don't think any less of me for this. I can't stand them. I love my friend who loves Hanson so that's why I'm going (under much protest however). I might slit my wrists when they play Mmm Bop. Either that or do a Van Gogh to my ear.

I really do enjoy my new counselor but last night made me question her judgement of me and my situation. Tommy & I were invited to a "Love & Respect" small group from her church at a house in Fanwood (which is about 5 min from where I live). I'm a little over the whole "Girls see and hear in pink and boys see and hear in blue." It's great with arguments and I agree with a lot of the concepts but practically speaking other factors play into relational problems besides colors. Ontop of that, everyone I was surrounded by (including my counselor) were UBER Christians. It's been a very long time since i've been to church and even longer since i've been a part of a small group. God & I just aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's a struggle for me and i'm working on it but I was definitely not ready for last night. I don't think overwhelming quite cuts it. I couldn't wait to run out the door when it was all over. My counselor and I really need to talk about this. I've expressed to her where I'm at with my faith and she understands the depth of problems Tommy & I face but last night made me feel like we aren't being taken seriously. That a "Love & Respect" small group is the answer to fix my faith and my marriage. At this point I don't know what will fix any of that but I do know a small group is not the answer.

I was able to decompress later on that night by helping Sarah and her mom hang curtains and put together some furniture at her new place. There's just such a comforting spirit that surrounds them both.

I'm pretty fried. Dare I say Hanson might do me some good because I'll get to laugh.

Rainy Monday

Under the advice of some friends I decided to take down my last post. Most of you read the story so you are all caught up. If you haven't, just ask me and I will share my dramatic moments of last week with you.

As if Monday's aren't difficult enough - today is extra special because it's cold and rainy outside. It was almost physically painful getting out of bed. I could have slept all day under my nice, warm covers. But no, here I am, back to the daily grind of work.

This weekend was nice. Friday night I made some island cocktails and Sarah and I hung out at her new apartment (which is FABULOUS!). Saturday I had breakfast with Liz and then went to Newark with Sarah's mom to see where Sarah's stepsister will be having her wedding reception. The place is gorgeous of course and I'm definitely looking forward to going. Then I ran to Somerville to pick up some things and rounded out my afternoon with a nice long nap. When I finally woke up I went over Liz & Nicole's for their clothing swap party. It's interesting how my life has changed. There were friends from a couple of different circles that I used to run in and it was a little overwhelming because my life isn't like that anymore. For better or worse times have changed and it's hard to go back there with all of those memories of what life used to be like. Not that I don't like my life now but it was just different with less problems and less worries. So, I stayed for an hour and then Sarah & I went to the Colorado Cafe. Always good times on a Saturday night. Country Line Dancing at it's finest! Yesterday was Westfield's Festival. Twice a year (Spring & Fall) they close off the streets in downtown Westfield and they have this outdoor flea market/carnival. So much fun! I didn't really walk around yesterday. I just went down for some food and went back upstairs. The food though - YUM!! Carnival food is always amazing. I had an Italian hotdog, fried oreo's, and a crepe stuffed with chocolate, strawberries, and banana's. The crepe was to DIE for!!! I then napped for about an hour or so due to the food coma I was in and then finished the night catching up on some shows I DVR'd.

Speaking of shows - the two shows I got caught up on were ANTM & Top Chef. Needless to say I was NOT sad to see Lauren go. For crying out loud that girl should have been gone weeks ago!! The best part of the show though was when Miz J busted out laughing at Dominique's commercial. I laughed so hard! She needs to be the next one gone... she's so FUGLY! I was a little disappointed to see Jen go on Top Chef but if she said "I'm doing this for Zoe" one more time I was going to spork her eye out. So annoying!

Life is funny sometimes... my life especially. There is never a dull moment.