Against my Will

Tonight I will be seeing these boys at Starland Ballroom

Oh yes - that's Hanson. Please don't think any less of me for this. I can't stand them. I love my friend who loves Hanson so that's why I'm going (under much protest however). I might slit my wrists when they play Mmm Bop. Either that or do a Van Gogh to my ear.

I really do enjoy my new counselor but last night made me question her judgement of me and my situation. Tommy & I were invited to a "Love & Respect" small group from her church at a house in Fanwood (which is about 5 min from where I live). I'm a little over the whole "Girls see and hear in pink and boys see and hear in blue." It's great with arguments and I agree with a lot of the concepts but practically speaking other factors play into relational problems besides colors. Ontop of that, everyone I was surrounded by (including my counselor) were UBER Christians. It's been a very long time since i've been to church and even longer since i've been a part of a small group. God & I just aren't seeing eye to eye right now. It's a struggle for me and i'm working on it but I was definitely not ready for last night. I don't think overwhelming quite cuts it. I couldn't wait to run out the door when it was all over. My counselor and I really need to talk about this. I've expressed to her where I'm at with my faith and she understands the depth of problems Tommy & I face but last night made me feel like we aren't being taken seriously. That a "Love & Respect" small group is the answer to fix my faith and my marriage. At this point I don't know what will fix any of that but I do know a small group is not the answer.

I was able to decompress later on that night by helping Sarah and her mom hang curtains and put together some furniture at her new place. There's just such a comforting spirit that surrounds them both.

I'm pretty fried. Dare I say Hanson might do me some good because I'll get to laugh.

Rainy Monday

Under the advice of some friends I decided to take down my last post. Most of you read the story so you are all caught up. If you haven't, just ask me and I will share my dramatic moments of last week with you.

As if Monday's aren't difficult enough - today is extra special because it's cold and rainy outside. It was almost physically painful getting out of bed. I could have slept all day under my nice, warm covers. But no, here I am, back to the daily grind of work.

This weekend was nice. Friday night I made some island cocktails and Sarah and I hung out at her new apartment (which is FABULOUS!). Saturday I had breakfast with Liz and then went to Newark with Sarah's mom to see where Sarah's stepsister will be having her wedding reception. The place is gorgeous of course and I'm definitely looking forward to going. Then I ran to Somerville to pick up some things and rounded out my afternoon with a nice long nap. When I finally woke up I went over Liz & Nicole's for their clothing swap party. It's interesting how my life has changed. There were friends from a couple of different circles that I used to run in and it was a little overwhelming because my life isn't like that anymore. For better or worse times have changed and it's hard to go back there with all of those memories of what life used to be like. Not that I don't like my life now but it was just different with less problems and less worries. So, I stayed for an hour and then Sarah & I went to the Colorado Cafe. Always good times on a Saturday night. Country Line Dancing at it's finest! Yesterday was Westfield's Festival. Twice a year (Spring & Fall) they close off the streets in downtown Westfield and they have this outdoor flea market/carnival. So much fun! I didn't really walk around yesterday. I just went down for some food and went back upstairs. The food though - YUM!! Carnival food is always amazing. I had an Italian hotdog, fried oreo's, and a crepe stuffed with chocolate, strawberries, and banana's. The crepe was to DIE for!!! I then napped for about an hour or so due to the food coma I was in and then finished the night catching up on some shows I DVR'd.

Speaking of shows - the two shows I got caught up on were ANTM & Top Chef. Needless to say I was NOT sad to see Lauren go. For crying out loud that girl should have been gone weeks ago!! The best part of the show though was when Miz J busted out laughing at Dominique's commercial. I laughed so hard! She needs to be the next one gone... she's so FUGLY! I was a little disappointed to see Jen go on Top Chef but if she said "I'm doing this for Zoe" one more time I was going to spork her eye out. So annoying!

Life is funny sometimes... my life especially. There is never a dull moment.

Growing old gracefully?

I caught up with an old college friend this morning. I have to be honest and say that he was an old flame but the timing was just never right. I had the pleasure of looking at some recent photo's of him and i'm very glad I did. Whatever feelings I might have carried for him are now completely gone. The guy has not grown old gracefully. Poor dude! Back in college he was one fine looking specimen but now... ooof - not so much. Still a nice guy though at least he's got that going for him.

Now that i've completely trashed a poor innocent soul (lol) let's move on...

Karaoke last night - fabulous! I love karaoke. Not so much singing but watching other people sing really bad. Karaoke brings out all sorts of creatures and it's so much fun to watch. Although, I do hate the ones who do the karaoke circuit. You know the ones that sing really well and go from place to place singing the same song. It's probably the only attention they can get. Karaoke is no fun unless you are drunk and singing Bon Jovi really loud and way off pitch.

Tonight I have a Tricky Tray. It'll be fun. Maybe i'll win something although odd's are I won't. I never win at these things. Tomorrow will be a fun-filled day of laundry followed by some packing and cleaning for Sarah's new apartment because Sunday is the big move. That's about my weekend in a nutshell. At some point tomorrow though I need to get some new pants. I have lost 10lbs (finally... it only took me 3 months) and none of them fit me. I need work pants and jeans. I should look online and see what kind of sales are going on.

TGIF!!!

Traffic Court

The last 72 hours have been confusing, draining, and life altering. The reality of where I'm at has just about hit me full-force. I say 'just about' because the next few weeks will probably be even more challenging. At some point I'm sure I will come face to face with the true mess and brokenness of my life. Not that i'm not aware of it but I know there's so much more bottoming out to do before I can begin the real healing process.

On another note let's talk about my day yesterday. About a month ago I had gotten 5 tickets within a 7-day span. 3 of the 5 happened in Scotch Plains and all at the same time. I got pulled over for careless driving (it was a two-lane merge and I passed a car on the left to get ahead of him and I got pulled over for it), my taillight was out, and I also had an expired insurance card on me (which was only expired 3 days - i had just forgotten to put the new one in). So 3 tickets. Careless driving in NJ is 2 points and I have a clean driving record. If I went to court they would take off the points and just give me a bigger fine. Yesterday was my court date - 12 noon. I get online to check in and it's a LONG line. I end up getting stuck behind this woman from New York who won't SHUT UP. She's telling me all about her life, cops in New York, how I need to fight my ticket, etc. On, and on, and on for almost a half-hour before we got into the courtroom. We get in the courtroom and I sit there for 2 1/2 hours watching some of the dumbest people go in front of the judge. It really is a simple process and it's amazing how many people can't figure it out. Finally they call my name. Now, in my old town and the towns around me if you fought a ticket it was taken care of the same day you went to court. Well, I found out that after 2 1/2 hours Scotch Plains doesn't work like that. I had to plead not guilty to the careless driving and I have to go back NEXT WEEK to talk to the prosecutor to have the points dropped which means another 2 hours in the courtroom. And let me tell you how many traffic violations there were. Scotch Plains police have nothing better to do because there crime rate is so low. There was actually a woman who had a ticket for a loud muffler. Honestly - that's just crazy!

Have I mentioned how much I miss St. John?! In case I haven't it's almost like a bad case of homesickness.

I think I might have a stomach bug. The stomach's not feeling so hot today. Oh well - I'll survive. At least the weather is GORGEOUS. It's supposed to be warm and sunny the next 3 days so i'm pretty excited!

Ok, i'm back...

My posts might still be sporadic but I'll try to update more often. I've spent most of the last month in a downward spiral. I find myself out of sorts with who I am and who I want to be. The inner conflict has become a daily battle. I'm exhausted most days because I'm fighting for and against myself. I know that may be confusing but I understand it. I want to do things MY way because i'm just so fed up with everything. As much as I know better, every part of me wants to run from God and run from this mess I'm in. I went on vacation last week and had the best time of my life. I was with friends on a tropical island far away from all of my problems. I know it wasn't reality but for a brief moment I was happy and at peace. I can't tell you how hard I cried when we had to leave. I knew I was coming home to the same stress and the same problems - they've been the same one's for over a year now. I just want it all to go away. I want a different life. I'll keep some elements of it but overall I need change. I think Kenny Chesney has the best line right now, "Wouldn't take much for me to up and run to another life somewhere in the sun."

Speaking of... let me post some pictures of my recent vacation to St. John/St. Thomas

I literally have over 300 pictures. If you want to see them just let me know and I'll send the snapfish link. How I wish I was back there....