Love

"We cannot live unaffected by love. We are most alive when we find it, most devastated when we lose it, most empty when we give up on it, most inhumane when we betray it, and most passionate when we pursue it."

Frustrated

I'm completely frustrated. Right around the end of April I woke up one Saturday morning and had no voice (well, I had a voice but barely). I remember the day clearly because I had gone out dancing the night before. I figured it was just laryngitis so I waited it out a week or so because there was no pain associated with it. Sometimes my voice would get better, sometimes it would get worse. I finally decided to suck it up and make a doctors appointment. He gave me a Z-pak and said it was chronic laryngitis and to just rest my voice. It got better for a little while but nowhere near 100%. I figured "chronic laryngitis" - ok well I guess this is something i'll have to live with from this point forward i'll just have to learn how to manage it. So, I did all of the web research and since there were no serious causes to it I let it be. After ohhhh 5 months of not once having my voice at 100% I made an appointment for an ENT. When I went they put a nice little scope up my nose and down my throat (not a good feeling AT ALL). He said I had a raging throat infection and swollen adnoids which are at the top of your nose. He prescribed me strong antibiotics and a ton of allergy medicine. 2 weeks later my voice still wasn't better so I made a 2nd appointment. This time he went deeper into my throat. Probably the most uncomfortable feeling ever. I gagged almost the entire time. Good news was the infection was gone bad news was my vocal cords were still swollen. Next treatment - 6 day dose of oral steroids, acid reflux medicine, plus all of the allergy medicine I was already on. By the end of the 6 days my voice started to sound better and I really thought I was on the road to recovery until Monday night. I strained my voice again at the Coldplay concert and it's not getting any better. This is now 6 months where I haven't had my voice at 100%. When my voice started to heal last week someone actually said they didn't even recognize me because they've gotten used to my raspy voice. I want to be better, I want to have my voice back, I want this over with. It's literally brought me to tears a handful of times because it's just a chronic problem with no real solution in site. That's where i'm at today. I have a follow-up ENT appointment in 4 weeks. I really don't want to go on any more medicine. I want this to heal and I want my voice back to 100%.

Untitled

"Here’s the deal, when things happen in our lives that are jarring or disorienting, a shipwreck or a snakebite, it rattles the cage. You get a bad diagnosis or a pink slip or divorce papers and what happens is those things cause the compass needle to spin in our lives and we’re wondering which way is up? What is God doing? But I think it is in those situations that we need to realize that the Bible says it rains on the just and the unjust. Bad things do happen to good people, but here’s the good news, all things work together for good to them that love God and are called according to His purpose. It is not that we are immune to all these things that happen, it is that God can use them for His purposes and that’s what we hang onto. In a sense, I have this mental picture of Paul hanging onto driftwood in the Mediterranean until they finally make it to shore. And by the way, sometimes the most spiritual thing you can do is hang in there. If you are at that place, hang in there! I believe you are going to make it to shore, and here’s what I’ve discovered in my life, sometimes the worst thing that happens to us can turn out to be the best thing that happens to us because God has a way of using those things to lay a foundation in our lives and to prepare us for what He wants. And I might suggest that sometimes we get so focused on getting where God wants us to go that we totally forget that God is far more concerned with who we are becoming in the process. Listen, God is going to get you where God wants you to go, that’s His business! But He’s not going to get you there until you are ready to get there, and who are you becoming is far more important than where you are going. So it is in these situations that God is working His purposes in our lives." - Mark Batterson (The Cage of Failure)

Broken Road

Bless The Broken Road

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving armsThis much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

In the midst of all of what i'm going through how about a few things i'm thankful for...

1. God - He is so very near and present even when I feel soooo lost!
2. My family - as crazy as they are I love them
3. Friends - honestly could not make it through without them. Each one has played a special role in my life and I'm so very blessed and thankful.
4. Reconnecting with old friends - this year i've been given the blessing of reconnecting with two very important people in my life. It's absolutely incredible.
5. Glimpses of light when all seems dark - this one is very personal for me but in the darkest moments and the times when I feel i'm at the end of my rope Jesus is there shining his light and giving me hope when all seems hopeless.
6. Liz - she gets a special shoutout. God has used her in countless ways in my life, especially over the last year. She's my guardian angel.
7. My job - not only am I thankful for it for financial reasons but in many ways my girls here have become like family to me.
8. The outdoors - I love being outside. I love blue, sunny skies and clear, crisp nights. The beauty of nature draws me closer to the heart of God.
9. Softball - what an outlet that is for me. I miss it - I would play all year round if I could.
10. Love - there's no worse feeling and there is no better feeling

I could go on but i'll leave it off at 10. I know it's been awhile since my last update. I'm on an incredible journey that's very, very personal. I haven't felt like blogging in awhile because of it. Stick with me - as scattered as they are I will continue updating when I feel it's time to.